Wednesday, November 20, 2002


Haven't been blogging, still having a hard time of it... normal for most of the day, then the drive home just kills me... can't stop the sad thoughts. It's not getting easier yet, it's getting harder. But there's just no helping it... no making it better... just have to try to get through it.

I dreamt about Mom last night - we were walking together and she kind of stumbled and then did some silly dance, and I hugged her and said "THAT'S why I miss you." I wish I could dream about her every night. I just live for it - where she's THERE again, right THERE - it seems so real. I need to learn lucid dreaming. Daniela got me a book about it, but I haven't really tried yet... I will.

Sunday, November 10, 2002


Gotta go to Atlanta for work... leaving in couple hours. Not sure how keen I am on spending two nights alone in a hotel room. Chuck has been my saviour through all this... he is so thoughtful and kind and helpful... and he hugs me when I'm sad and crying. It will be hard, without any distraction at night, to keep me from dwelling on the sadness of the reality that Mom and Punky are gone... I hope the hotel room has cable, because that's the only other thing that keeps me distracted, TV.

On a hopeful note about Atlanta, there is a Jamba Juice about 3 miles from the hotel. If there is a God, he will help me find a way to get a Jamba while I'm in Atlanta.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

Happy Birthday Eddie

Today is my brother's birthday. Probably his hardest one... I'm dreading mine. He and Skippy (Christina, his wife) went to LA to go to Disneyland. Then they called me from Jamba Juice on Melrose... that was just cruel. My two favorite things... great shopping and Jamba.

I need a trip to LA... I'd also go to Lola's and have homebaked macaroni and cheese, freshly baked hot cookies for dessert and about 5 martinis! Here are the ones I'd try:

You'd Be Blue Too Martini
Toddies Big Banana Martini
Clockwork Orange
Red Caramel Apple Martini
and a Very Berri Sherri Martini, in honor of my sister

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Life Sucks Even More

Punky died yesterday. I'm starting to feel cursed... and pathetic... and like I have nothing but very sad things to talk and/or think about... and trying to remember how to function like a normal person...

Technically, I had the vet put him to sleep, but it was probably just a matter of minutes before he would have gone on his own. We got him a blood transfusion on Saturday, but it didn't help. I won't go in to the gory details, but by Monday morning, his condition just broke my and Chuck's heart... we didn't want him to suffer for one more moment.

So now nightime is even worse, because now in addition to thinking about Mom... now I think about Punky too. I miss getting in bed... then hearing Punky climb the stairs... then a few moments later... whoosh, he'd jump on the bed, crawl over Chuck to get to me - or crawl on Chuck if he was awake - then lay on me until I had to roll over and try to sleep, then he would lay next to me until I fell asleep... often still there in the morning. I miss his furry little face and gigantic feet (he had 7 toes on each foot).

I look at it as Mom got a belated birthday gift (appropriate, since I'm always late with gifts and such), a sweet, loving kitty to keep her company. She loved Punky very much... he lived at home (at Mom's) with me for 3 years before I got married, so she was very attached to him. I'm sure she's taking very good care of him.