See what I do? I start a blog... take time to gather pictures... and next thing you know, a week has gone by. UGH!

What have I been doing? Taking Gram to lunch, visiting Mom's grave, going to Sarah's St. Patty's Day party (her & Denis makes the best corned beef EVER), visiting my beautiful niece and sis, working out with Jenny, watching movies with Jenny as she frantically tries to see all the ones involving Oscar nominations, and trying not to eat everything in sight... including but not limited to: Pellegrino's Buffalo Chicken subs, home baked mac & cheese, frozen Swiss Cake Rolls, birthday cake, fried eggs, and Robin's Eggs (which double as lipstick in a pinch).

More About the Cosmetaddiction

In the bit of shopping I got to do in Chicago, I focused my efforts... mainly spending time at Sephora, Nordstrom's, and the Sanrio store... As a cosmetaddict, I got more goodies...



Eyeko's Strawberry Fat Lip Balm
This new brand, Eyebeauty, was a particularly cool find at Nordstroms. I got this lip balm for me and the Minty version for Jenny.


Benefit Hoola
Bronzing dust, so I can look like I've been visiting Peppermint Tina!


Shiseido Multi-Treatment Hair Lotion
I really wanted a hair "refresher", like Febreze for the hair, but this was new, different, pretty... so I bought it.


Shiseido Pureness Matifying Stick Oil-Free
Not sure if I needed this, but Jenny had gotten it in Florida and it felt nice on the skin... besides, anything Jenny likes, I like too.

I once was a Ho Ho snob and would not so much as consider eating a Faux Ho... but then I cheaped out, bought the Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, put them in the freezer (based on an inside tip)... and today I am addicted... and saving thousands of dollars a year in snack cake expenditures.

Seriously, try it. YUM!

I'm Baaack

Just back from my business trip to Chicago. Three days of standing around a mall watching people use our kiosk. It was interesting (though at times, boring and painful). Luckily, it wasn't a great mall (nice but not any stores we don't have in Rochester), so I wasn't compelled to dessert my post and SHOP THE WHOLE TIME.

We were outside of a toy store and every morning they put out this little snorting pig. So for three days, for about 8 hours a day, I heard: "oink, oink, oinkoinkoink... oink, oink, oinkoinkoink" On the last day, we showed up and they had added a chattering monkey. I honestly think that the toy store guys were trying to drive us insane. But all in all, it was a good trip.

Got some good shopping in (speed shopping... with little time to spare and a non-shopaholic male hovering over me with "that look") and some good eating... Chicago style pizza from both Giordano's and Gino's East (where Chris Farley used to fatten up). My new kick, love the stuff... why do I get so obsessed with certain foods? Because they're DAMN GOOD, that's why. Thank God you can order the pizza online and have them sent FedEx!

For $1000, this Teak Monkey better clean my house, do my laundry AND pick the mites out of my hair.

Beauty Product Addict

Hello, my name is Tina, and I'm a Cosmetaddict. I bought more stuff when I was in LV and FL...


blisslabs Nail & Cuticle Super Groom
new to me... loving it... seems to truly work well... it goes on really thick though, lots of rubbing in to do



Phytodefrisant Hair Straightening Balm
just restocking... love this stuff to straighten my curly hair



Michael Kors Leg Shine
new to me... been reading about it for years... finally got me some... haven't used it yet... it's still too cold in this frozen tundra I call home



Lancome RÉSOLUTION D-CONTRAXOL™ Intensive Anti-Wrinkle Treatment Dermo-Crease Reducer
And then, after lots of reading about this "breakthrough product... no need for botox", I broke down and bought it... been using it for just over a week... no change yet, but it smells really nice and feels very soothing. Thumbs up so far, even if I do still have a big crinkle in my forehead.

Detour to Financial Ruin

Since I'm on a bit of a health kick - joined the gym at work, trying to eat healthier - my fitness-nut brother starts spewing advice on what to eat. He raves about the new Detour bar... "it tastes just like a Snickers", he says. So I shell out - GET THIS - $2.99 for a Detour bar... and it tastes like Snickers, for about a minute, then the aftertaste tastes like ASS. Honestly, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't scrumpdelyiscious either. I'd rather spend 59 cents, eat a real Snickers and be fat, thank you very much.

I also find it pretty funny that I found a site called beefcakenutrition.com ... bah hah hah.

The baby girl is getting so big. And talk about eyelash envy! J Lo may have to wear fake eyelashes made out of fox fur, but Mya won't even need lengthening mascara!

Dammit - Mr. Rogers died. I used to love when he showed how things were made. Crayons, food... That's why I love Unwrapped so much, same idea, but all food.

Bye Neighbor.

Dad and Kevin Spacey
Separated at birth?

Last thursday would have been my Dad's 58th birthday. He's been gone almost 12 years now.

things about my Dad:
- he was Airborne in the army
- he loved my Mom, but he cheated on her
- for a time, he was a biker
- he owned a motorcycle shop
- he had a Harley
- he hung out with Hells Angels
- he was a hippie
- he had long hair that I used to brush and braid
- he looked like Willie Nelson (in Willie's younger years)
- he had a sign that said, "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers"
- he and Mom divorced, Stepmom was 13 yrs his junior
- for a time, he lived off the deer he hunted
- he had many tattoos (including the Harley Davidson symbol across his chest)
- he was a BS artist
- he swore ALOT
- he was a great storyteller
- he moved to Vegas and became a Craps dealer (irony)
- after the haircut and shave, he looked like Kevin Spacey
- he had a huge dimple on his right cheek (he'd tell us he got stabbed in the face)
- he was a heavy gambler
- for a time, he was dealing drugs
- he owned a meat factory (sausage & stuff)
- he owned a deli
- he loved his children
- he smoked like a feind
- he died of lung cancer

He definitely wasn't the best father, husband, or model citizen, but he was unique, interesting and loving, and I miss him.


Hippie-Willy-Nelson--Biker-Dad

Chocolate Fest

Today was Chocolate Fest at work. We got the book "Chocolate Astrology", by Joy Nagy, as a prize. Here's what it had to say about Scorpios:

-------------------
The perfect chocolate for a Scorpio:
Milk Chocoate Truffles with Rum Raisin Cream Filling

With it's seductive flavor, rum raisin appeals to Scorpio's wild sensuality. The smooth, rich milk chocolate coating then satisfies the Scorpion's desire for sweets.

Scorpions are intense, headstrong, forever mysterious, and passionate about love and food. This sign's unquenchable appetite for chocolate is symbolic of their appetite for life itself.
-------------------

OK, I REALLY don't like Rum Raisin... I prefer dark chocolate... I'm not sure about the wild sensuality, but I AM headstrong and I am passionate about food. Specifically, at this point in time, Chicken Madeira from The Cheesecake Factory...

Back to the harsh reality of upstate NY. My sister calls it "the f**ing tundra". But I'm still glad to be home. Grizzy got picked up from the kennel today all squeaky clean with a big bow around his neck. I was relieved to see him... he just turned 11, no spring chicken... and I'm worried about losing him too. I think my hormones are out of whack... I'm having these irrational thoughts and another round of intense grieving. Crying every night. It started in FL and continues. I think that being around Chuck's parents brought home the harsh reality that I have no parents. Both gone. Too difficult to fathom at times. I still think, "I have to call Mom and tell her..." then realize... then sadness overcomes me.

I took a big risk today. I went with my Mother-in-law to take Chuck's two young cousins to see Jungle Book 2. They are 6 (Kristen) and 3 (Michael). The past 2 days, Michael has been a hellion and his behavior has had me teetering on the brink of deciding never to have children. Last night at dinner he held his fork and knife up to my face and said, "I'll cut you up."

So needless to say, I wasn't too keen on taking the kid to the movies, but as a favor to Chuck's Mom, I went, knowing that she couldn't handle both kids. I thought for sure the effects would be permanent birth control. I was wrong. They were angels. Apparently, when their parents take Michael to the movies, he has to get up and go to the bathroom about 5 times. Not for us, he went before the movie, then sat quietly through the whole thing, just a peep here and there, nothing big.

My faith in children is restored. For now anyway.

Sunny Florida?

Third day here in Florida. It's been chilly and POURING rain. The sun has finally come out, but it's not warm enough to hit the pool... which, given my habit of inactivity, is not a bad thing. Bathing suit be damned!

So far, the visit looks like this... eat, watch tv, eat, sleep in, go to flea market and eat hamburger, go to movies and eat popcorn, go to eat after movies, watch tv, sleep in, spend 2 hours deciding which hotel to book in Orlando, eat, watch tv, eat. Oooh, and I think we're going out to eat shortly.

A Poem for Mom

If sorrow were a blanket,
I'd never be cold.

If tears were a fountain of youth,
I'd never get old.

If thoughts of you were water,
I'd make myself a sea.

If my prayers could be answered,
You'd be right here with me.

Shopping on the Brain

I'm pretty sure I'm using shopping as a coping technique these days. I think, "if I buy this, it will make me feel better." I really need to get a handle on this problem, but in the meantime, I got some damn cool stuff.

In planning my next business trip to Chicago, I was checking out the shopping opportunities (God help me, since I will be WORKING in a mall for 10 hours a day). So when Jenny came to see what I was doing that evening, I said, "I have to do my laundry so I can start shopping." I meant to say "packing" (for my vaca to FL).

So if I start blogging weird, don't be alarmed... you might see an entry like this:

For dinner last night, I got the shopping. It was good, but I'd wish I'd gotten the chicken. Walking out of the restaurant, I stumbled and sprained my shopping. A couply hours later my shopping was really throbbing so I took a couple shoppings and it started to feel better. Back at home, I called my shopping and she said the baby was shopping so she had to go. I decided I'd better get to shopping but I wasn't tired so I watched shopping for a while. At about 2am, I finallly drifted off to shopping.

Love Hearts

All my friends know that my favorite candy is Love Hearts and my dilemma that they can only be bought in Canada. Joel was at weggies the other day and found that they had them* for V Day. He had a huge smile on his face as he handed me a whole bag of "Love Hearts". I almost fainted, thinking my favorite-candy-finding problems had been solved. *Alas, they were not the "right" kind of Love Hearts. They were the americanized, less sweet, less fizzy version. Thanks to Joel for trying though.

But then, in looking for images for my blog, I found a web site that sells the real mccoy!!!!!! My previous searches had only led me to a sight where I could buy them from UK for 10x the price. Hallelujah Jesus! I can replenish my supply without having to drive to Toronto (and spend hundreds of $$ - a few $ on Love Hearts and then a couple hundred on all the other cool stuff you can only seem to get in Toronto).

Just when I think I'm doing better, I see my Mom's email address in my address book. Tomorrow is four months. Travelling is hard too because Mom would always say, "where's my little world traveller off to now?" and "let me give you some money to gamble with".

Sherri wants to go see James Van Praagh, one of the guys that supposedly talks to those that have passed. She watches it every morning. We both realize it's probably a crock... but that little glimmer of chance... to think someone is talking to her and telling us that she is watching us... wouldn't hurt, would it?

Vegas Baby

Vegas visit is going well. I am staying with my brother, in his new first home, made possible by the money left to us by Mom. She would be so proud of him, it's a gorgeous home set up in the mountains of Vegas. Yet I know he'd live in a refrigerator box if it meant having Mom back. We all would.

My brother makes me laugh until I hurt. He's got Mom's sense of silliness mixed with Dad's wit. By this time next year he will likely be in Hollywood making a name for himself. He's been busy pulling his life together and now it's time for him to pursue his dream. Ok, it's my dream too... Eddie calling me up, "Teen, I'm gonna fly you out next week for this party at George Clooney's house in the hills." I told him to hurry up and make it happen before I'm old and decrepid, since that possibility IS getting closer every day that passes.

I am only down about $10 on the gambling front. I love playing the nickel video poker machines at the Hard Rock - mainly becouse they crank excellent music throughout the casino and it's small and cozy. I'm hoping we get to stop there one more time tonight. I got one more $20 with their name on it, then I'm done.

Celeb Spotting

At dinner Monday night, got a peek at two celebs... Steven Weber, of Wings fame, and Mandy Moore... she had the hat on she wears on Mtv all the time or I might not even recognized her. She seemed tall. Those were my only proximity encounters, and barely that, but still fun.

Shop till you Drop

Marathon shopped in Rochester last weekend. Jenny is my shopping enabler. Dangerously close to needing Shopaholics Anonymous. I think my stress is driving me to overindulge in things that make me feel good, such as shopping and eating. I'll have to talk to my therapist about that.

Bought stuff such as:

- a new vacuum (it sucks, bah hah)
- bookshelves
- a shirt for Mya
- duvet covers and sheets for the spare room
- candy
- new pants (4 pairs)
- cheekies (if you don't know, I'm not telling)
- pantyhose
- cool colored notebooks from the gap
- a pink trench from Banana Republic
- yet another pair of black boots
- a necklace
- a fresh supply of Vinefit moisturizer
- eyeshadow from the gap
- undies
-

I'm still up. Shit. Have to get up in about 2 hours. MF.

Insomniac Theater

I think I have full blown insomnia. I am just NOT TIRED at night. I should be comatose right now - I got 4 hrs sleep last night (my Sis and the baby spent the night - Sis and I stayed up VERY late, then I was up another hour). Tomorrow (ok, actually today), I have to get up at 4:30am for my trip. So I'm looking at about 3 1/2 hours sleep.

I'm tired as F** in the mornings. It's brutal. Wonder what happens with prolonged sleep deprivation? Irritablity to be sure ((*&%$$^%$@^%$#^%$!

At the moment, the only reason I'm not dreading tomorrow is... Jamba is only about 12 hours away!

Jenny and I were talking about this guy we know who seems to be particularly boring. In being optimistic, I suggested that maybe he is interesting, once you get to know him. Then she told me of his attitude toward food - that it's just for survival, not enjoyment. That changed my mind. I'm sorry, but IMHO, anyone who feels that way has many screws loose. I LIVE to eat, I don't eat to live.

Food can make you happy (Jamba)...


or sad (taco bell burrito)...


or calm (Starbucks)...


or hyper (Krispy Kreme)...



Food forms friendships and bonds families.

Food is love... and when I'm out west this week, I will be head over heels!

Great Ads

While Chuck watched the Superbowl, I ran in for the commercials. There were some good ones - my favorites were some of the Budweiser ones...


"Parade", where the guy in the upside down clown suit drinks a bud - sick, lovely, potty humor...

and


"Sounds of the Sea", where the crab clamps on to the guys lip, hilarious!

I'm a Slider, He's a Slider... Wouldn't You Like to be a Slider too

Jenny found an article entitled, "SLIders & the Streetlight Phenomenon". It starts off..."Do streetlights suddenly go out when you pass beneath them? Do watches or credit cards stop working in your possession? Perhaps you are a SLIder."

Jenny remembered that most of my watches are dead, I often have computer and other electrical related problems that no one else seems to be experiencing, and my Wegman's Shopper's Club Card won't swipe anymore. Jenny deduced that I am a SLIder.

Apparently things like this happen:

• Appliances such as lamps and TVs go on and off without being touched.
  
• Lightbulbs constantly blow when the SLIder tries to turn them off or on.
  
• Volume levels change on TVs, radios, and CD players.
  
• Watches stop working.
  
• Children's electronic toys start by themselves when the SLIder is present.
  
• Credit cards and other magnetically encoded cards are damaged or erased when in their possession.
  

I DEFINITELY notice street lights popping off as I approach - I thought it happened often to everyone, but apparently not. According to the article, if it happens on a regular basis, you're probably a SLIder.

I was telling my brother about it and he said it happens to him all the time, especially when he is "about to snap" - take note, Eddie said that to me WITHOUT me telling him that the research indicates it happens more often when the SLIDER is "in an extreme emotional state"... wild! It must be hereditary!

On the Mend

Well, I either had that Norwalk virus that's going around (and apparently taking out whole schools worth of people)... either that, or it was food poisoning from Taco Bell. I was up all night Monday violently vomiting - threw up 10 times - never been so sick in all my life. After the vomiting stopped, my stomach hurt like I'd done 1000 situps. Then the weakness and dizziness hit. Today my dr. told me to dring a gallon of water to help my "off-kilterness". It helped, I'm almost normal. ALMOST.

Regardless of the cause, I will NOT be partaking of a taco bell Grilled Stuft Burrito EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

The only good - I lost 2 pounds (and maybe strenghtened my abs too) - woo hoo

Went and saw "Two Weeks Notice" last night... it was cute and funny - not as good as "Bridget Jones Diary", but entertaining.

They played the trailer for "A Guy Thing"... for some reason, movies about guys-that-are-already-engaged-but-fall-for-the-wild-crazy-free-spirit-type-girl really PISS ME OFF. It just seems really insulting to the fiance and to love in general. Not as insulting as Joe Millionaire (who, incase you haven't heard, was not only a former underwear model, but also acted in a soap opera and was living in a $1.7M house shortly before the show started), which highlights the all-women-are-golddiggers stereotype, but still annoying.

The sad part... I watch Joe Millionaire and I want to see "A Guy Thing".. but I can still be pissed if I want to!

I got new beauty goodies yesterday... I got:

an Enzyme Peeling kit... kind of afraid to use it though... afraid I will look like a beet... will wait for the weekend...


a teeny tiny Prada lip balm (I paid $5 for less lip balm than what I could get if I had someone else slather on chapstick and then scraped off the residual)


and... the one I can't wait to try... Slimming Cellulite Seaweed Soap! The directions tell you to (and I quote - verbatim), "perform pinch and massage until you feel a warm sensation".
Sounds like instructions out of a sex manual. But hey, I'll do anything for firmer thighs.

You'll have to check back to find out results...

Maurice Gibb died today, under questionable circumstances after surgery... earily familiar...

Oh, and Pete Townsend got arrested on suspicion of possessing... no, not marijuana - as I expected to read... possession of KIDDIE PORN. What the hell is this world coming to?

I am anxiously awaiting the release of the movie, Old School. Jeremy Piven is in it, so it's on top of my list. Mind you, Jeremy barely get's mentioned when the movie is promoted, but I'm sure he will be good in it.

It actually has quite an impressive cast which includes... Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Andy Dick, Craig Kilborn, Juliette Lewis, Breckin Meyer, Leah Remini (who Jenny says I remind her of - not my looks, but my smartassness) and Seann Wiliam Scott, who makes a cameo.

And the director, Todd Phillips, is the same guy who did Road Trip and is doing Starsky and Hutch.

Another slight headache, honestly it's probably just stress.

I'm glad I wrote that out though, because it's one of the few regrets I have with Mom... I wish we'd have talked about the big "what if"... So, I thought it might be ok to express how I'd feel if I were to be gone, since I wish I'd have done that with her.

Now I'll have to put a link on my blog... "if I die, click here" so people can get back to those thoughs, hopefully MANY MANY years from now.

I've been having alot of headaches lately. Last Friday I had one so bad that I thought Chuck was going to find me dead. Since then, they've been mild but abundant. Aspirin helps, but incase there's something really wrong with me & I'm not long for this world, I'd like to say this:

I was a blessed person.
I was blessed with a loving family.
I was blessed with great friends.
I was blessed with humor and kindness, both given & received.
and I was blessed with an abundance of love in my life.

I left not wanting for anything.
I will be happy to see Mom and Dad and Punky again.
I will miss you all and, though I know you will miss me, try not to be sad.
Try to laugh, love and enjoy life even more, as that is what I would want for you.

And when you hear a song that reminds you of me,
it's my little way of saying hello, from wherever I might be.

Thank You

Thank you for all the supportive comments about yesterday's blog... Cin, it helps to know that I'm not the only one who's had to go through this kind of thing (oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!)

I don't think Stepdad realized he did such a shitty thing, he does mean well, he's just off his rocker at the moment.

Not sure why my rocker has remained intact. Someone should do a case study. I honestly think that humor and supportive family & friends has been the key.

Hot and Cold

Nice... Chuck's in Florida... just got out of the hot tub and is heading home* to have cookie dough ice cream... and I'm here in Frozenville after driving all the way home in 4WD, listening to my neighbor shovel snow and ice off his driveway and feeling sickly full from eating too much Dinosaur BBQ.

I can't feel too bad though, I will be in LA in two weeks sipping Jamba Juice and enjoying some sunshine. LA will be business with not much time for fun, but then I'm taking a side vacation to Vegas to see my brother's new house and visit. I will be partaking of the nickel slot machines at the Hard Rock Hotel... and this time, if I get to meet Vin Diesel there (as I did in 1999 and barely gave him the time of day), I will at least touch his arm and say something witty - which I will obviously have to think of ahead of time - or risk saying something totally cheesy, like "if I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me".

*home is his parent's house

BTW, staying distracted helps me to cope with the grief. Humor is a nice distraction. Thinking of Vin Diesel's bod works temporarily too.

Had a bit of a setback today. Was doing somewhat better in the "grieving" realm, dealing better, crying less... then this...

My Stepdad sold the house and needs to be out by the end of the month. On Monday I was going through stuff from the upstairs bedrooms, finding mostly things from my teenage years... my signed Judas Priest mirror, my Def Leppard wall hanging... along with some very emotional treasures... a letter from my Mom sent to me at college, a card to me for my 19th birthday, "I can't believe my little girl is turning 19!" she wrote...

I'd only gotten through about a third of the room when I had to go, so I told him I'd come back today to finish. Well, he ended up throwing everything else out. EVERYTHING! GONE! Claims he thought I was done going through it, but I just think he willed himself to believe that because he is the most impatient man on the f**king planet. Mom died and he ran out and immediately bought a new truck, a new house... then a new woman - and, within a week of his "revelation" that he loved her, gave her a f**king ring and asked her to marry him! All within two months of Mom's death.

I'm sure he not only threw away more letters and cards I'd saved from Mom but probably also from my Dad (who died 11.5 years ago) too.

I think this is enough to bring on my anger phase. (*&(*#&($*&@^$*&@^*&$^*#^*&#^$*&^#

Then, on the way home, I'm flipping stations and hear pieces of songs that remind me of how I feel, remind me that she's gone, remind me of her eyes, remind me how much I love and miss her...

first it was, "Stay" by Jackson Browne...
oh won't you stay, just a little bit longer... please, please, say you will

then, it was "Aint too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations...
Please don’t leave me girl, don’t you go

then "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel...

then "Your Song" by Elton John...
So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see I've forgotten, if they're green or they're blue
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

... I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

then "Letters to You", by Finch...
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so

Music can be brutal. That's why I didn't listen to the radio for at least a month after she died.

Well, I think my shallow post was a little cathartic, but it still felt a bit wrong. Not that I feel guilty for having a laugh or thinking of something enjoyable - Mom would want me to be happy - but sadness still fills a majority of my thoughts.

Lately though, food is a close second. Not that I'm indulging, but I am having food fantasies*.
*my term for thinking loving thoughts ABOUT food, not using food during loving.

I am going to LA at the end of the month and am driving DIRECTLY from the airport to Jamba Juice (thanks to Jenny who got me addicted). I am also excited to go to Lola's and have Baked Macaroni and Cheese and a Plate of Homebaked Cookies for dessert - they come to you piping hot. I am in dire need of some serious comfort food - and I think mac & cheese and cookies are about the best you're gonna get.

On that note, I really want to start a cookie delivery business. I'm not talking boring old cold cookies. I'm talking homemade cookies, delivered piping hot directly from the oven. I saw it on a show on The Food Network (that Jenny is addicted to now, thanks to me). I predict a huge future in hot, fresh cookies delivered to your door with a bottle of milk. I told Chuck he could be a Hot Cookie delivering hot cookies. I don't think he's going to take me up on it.

Let's see if I can attempt some shallow commentary that used to make up my blog content most of the time...

Some celebs I think are hot:

Colin Firth (... it's the accent... and the kissing scene from Bridget Jones Diary)


Vin Diesel (just for the bod... ooh)


George Clooney (rugged, handsome looks combined with a great sense of humor)


Jeremy Piven (liked him since the 80s... endearingly handsome)



Honorable Mention: Viggo Mortensen, Vince Vaughn, Hugh Jackman...

Lenny Kravitz may have made the list... until I took notice of his bellybutton, it's just wrong. That dude is in need of umbilicoplasty!!


Oh, and while I was looking for pictures, I came across the site Celebpecs.com - in case anyone's interested. It's especially nice that you can look up pictures based on the amount of chest hair they have. Heh heh.

New Year's Eve wasn't so happy. For some reason, at midnight, I felt overwhelmed with sadness. On one hand, the worst year of my life is over, but in reality, I know that a calendar change is not going to make anything easier. I also really missed my midnight call from Mom, she called every year to wish us Happy New Year. Eddie and I sobbed on the phone together, we miss her so much.

On a lighter note... Chuck and I watched "Reign of Fire". I've officially lost interest in Matthew McConaughey. After seeing him in a skirt at the Toronto Int'l film festival last year and then noticing the gigantic vein down the middle of his forehead in "The Wedding Planner"... well, yikes! Christian Bale on the other hand, well, he was looking fine.

Today seemed to be a better day. I had lunch with Mikha, Daniela's sister. It was so great. Both Mikha and Daniela (two gorgeous Brasilian women) are both so fun and interesting. I wish I could see them more often.

Last year at this time, Chuck and I were in Brasil with Daniela, staying with her family at their beach house (i.e., Paradise). It was definitely the best New Years of my life, all was good... we'd stay up until 3am playing Buraco, a card game. Chuck and I were so addicted to that game yet we haven't played it since. I guess it's not as much fun without Brasilians to play it with =) Daniela's family was so kind to us... it was so wonderful.

We did the Brasilian New Year's Eve tradition of wearing all white, going to the beach and, at midnight, wading in to the water, making a wish, and jumping 7 waves. I don't remember my wish, but I do remember becoming "champagne-enhanced Tina".

I am also very happy for Jenny and Aaron, they are now engaged. I knew Aaron was going to pop the question and I was so careful not to drop any hints to Jenny. Jenny's going to have to work out now, just to be able to hold her arm up with that gigantic ROCK on it!! Congratulations my friends!

F*&^$! I thought I should write about something happier, but I can't. Christmas Eve with the family went ok, but without Mom there, I just wanted to leave. I cried the whole drive home. Why can't this get easier? I honestly don't think it ever will. I think I will cry every day for the rest of my life. The strangest things trigger the saddest thoughts. You know it's bad when a Nine Inch Nails song can make you sob. Here's how that went...

F* you like an Animal came on the radio... the line "hey Pig, Piggy, Pig, Pig Pig" made me think of how my Brother gives everyone nicknames, how he used to call his ex-girlfriend Piggy and sing that song to her. Then I think about how he now calls his wife Skippy. It triggers the memory from that first week when Mom was in the hospital, when she was coherent... Eddie told her that Skippy said Hi, then he said it funny, "skippeeeeee", and Mom smiled. Then I begin to think more about while Mom was in the hospital, and those thoughts are the absolute worst, the most heart wrenching. I think about how she seemed, at that time, to be getting better, how she really shouldn't have died, how they let her bleed until it caused her heart to fail. I think about what I saw. No one should ever see what I saw. I don't want to think about how bloated she was and all the tubes and blood. I want to forget the hospital. I want to take a little pill and forget. I want to go back in time and see her go from nodding and blinking to talking and walking. But it doesn't happen that way. Reality hits and I can heardly bear it. All from a NIN song that should be inspiring lust instead of great sadness.

So as much as I want to write about the gigantic teddy bear Chuck got me for Christmas or the very cool red velvet pillow Jenny made for me, I need to write about the pain before it consumes me.

Jamba

On this weeks episode of The Osbournes, Sharon was drinking a Jamba Juice. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, I want JAMBA!!!!!!!

Jesus Christ, Superstar

My sister was asked if my Niece/Goddaughter could play Baby Jesus in her church's Christmas Pageant. That's so exciting!

I knew she was a Godsend, she's a little angel and has helped us all find happiness in a time of sorrow... so it's fitting that she would play a (THE) saviour.

Blue Christmas

My grieving situation has achieved the 80/20 rule. Eighty percent of the time, I'm fine. Twenty percent of the time, I'm an emotional, sobbing wreck. Usually that 20% is when I'm driving alone - consistently a dangerously sad time... or late at night when it's quiet and my mind wanders... or sometimes at unexpected moments, like when I'm at the Gap Christmas shopping. Distraction helps, but it's not always feasible. Cable tv helps (shallow, but true).

On the drive home tonight, I had the song "Blue Christmas" stuck in my head... and it made me cry because I will have a blue Christmas without Mom. So then I tried whistling "Winter Wonderland" to distract myself... and it made me cry because she loved to hear me whistle. So I called my sister and got distracted and stopped crying for 20 minutes. Then I hung up and cried for the last 2 minutes of my drive. Then I was ok again.

I should be SLEEPING!

I had yet another dream about Mom. In it, she was still in the hospital and I remember thinking, "why did I tell everyone she died?" The strange part is that even though it was about Mom, I didn't actually SEE her in the dream. But somehow I knew that she was doing very well.

I had another dream with my Mom in it. These dreams are precious, but strange. In them, she is unexpectedly alive, as I seem to be aware, in my dream, of the fact that she is supposed to have died.

Some strangeness with this dream though...

In the dream, I went to a family members house and Mom was lying on the floor talking on the phone. Again, I was surprised that she was alive. She got off the phone and started telling me that Eddie (my brother) had dreamt that night about being in hand to hand combat, gesturing as if she were holding a machine gun. So, in essence, she could "see" our dreams.

The wierd part - today I asked Eddie if he had that type of dream and he said he has violent dreams all the time, where he's usually killing somone (ok, that's scary too - the boy needs psychoanalysis). Anyhow, I found it interesting that it all tied in together, even though Eddie had never told Mom about having these type of dreams.

All in all, I don't care what they all mean, I just love the opportunity to see my Mom again, because it feels so real.

Rudolphina

I heard an interesting little tidbit on the radio yesterday. According to biologists, though both the male and female reindeer grow antlers, the males shed their antlers in late November/early December, while the females do not shed their antlers until the spring. Put two and two together and, yes... say it with me... all of Santa's reindeer are actually female!

You go girl!

As I realize how late it is, I created a pseudo-haiku relating to lack of sleep.

Delicate moon,
playing over the snow,
the night is over.

I need to vent. Along with all the other drama, I have a side issue happening that is only driving me slightly crazy. Before Mom died, Stepdad and I shared all of about 5 minutes of conversation a week. Now, he calls me every day, (down from many times a day) and tell me his every move in painful detail. On top of that, he doesn't remember from one day to the next what he's told me, so he repeats himself - VERBATIM - and I hear the same stories at least 4 times.

That said, I know he is going through the most difficult thing anyone could be asked to live through, so in the interest of saving his sanity, I let him ramble. It is, however, getting to the point where my sanity is in jeopardy. I'm having a hard time saying anything though, because I do NOT want to hurt his feelings, he's been hurt enough.

So just for my own amusement (misery loves company), I want to show you what I mean. Here is a message he left me last weekend. It is transcribed exactly, I exaggerate NOT:

Hi Honey, it's Dickie, I just called to see how you're doing, I didn't have a talk with you today. I was running around busy again, I went to see Uncle John this morning and give him his cigarettes and then I went to the cemetary to see your Mom and then I uh ** laughter and side comment to "fiance" ** um, and let's see, oh I bought some glasses and I got a earring and uh what else did I do? what else did I do? aaah, bought another pair of pants, bought the baby some REAL nice stuff and um, what else? I got a leather last night and um, anyway, I just wanted to see how you were doing and uh, gimme a call when you get a chance. I'm gonna go to church in the morning and then probably maybe I'll go down with Sherri, follow her back home, have a cup of coffee with Sher or something and oh, we're gonna have dinner Tuesday night at the house if you'd like to join us. I figured I'd make tuna casserole for Rosie and then I'll probably make something else, maybe I'll get some chicken or something, and I'll have some chicken, I know you like the chicken, if you want to join us, if you don't, you don't have to, that's no problem, and, anyway, hope Chuckie's feeling well [beep... "END OF MESSAGE" - as it ran out of space]

Oh, and my Aunt calls me about 5 times a day too and, in response to the news of Dick's engagement, says something like, "God was in my room in 1996 and, your Mommy is in heaven and Punky is in heaven and this is God's way of saving Dickie from Satan... "

That Linkin Park song keeps playing in my head...

Everything you say to me,
Takes me one step closer to the edge,
And I'm about to break,
I need a little room to breathe,
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge,
And I'm about to break

Side note, tidbits from Stepdad's message indicate that "fiance" is trying to transform him from blue-collar-carhart-jacket-blue-jeans-baseball-cap style to GQ man. More on that at a later date.

I long for the good old days when both Dad and Mom were alive, Dad was a drug dealer and fighting with Stepmom and Mom and Dick were my sanctuary of normalcy.

I haven't been blogging because I've been waiting for something good to say. Well, there just isn't any. It's all just completely shitty. But I won't say "it can't get worse" because the past months have proved that it sure the hell can.

Since I last blogged, my Stepdad has "fallen in love" with my Mom's former best friend, asked her to marry him and gave her a ring - drama ensued and is still causing stress every day. That same day I find out that kodak.com is going to be downsized from 150 people to about 40. So now I worry that I will lose my job too. And even if I happen to not get laid off, many of my friends could - and the work environment that I have always thought was so great because of all the wonderful people, will be shit.

Then, yesterday, Jenny learns that Aaron has been called back to active duty - potentially for a year. Not only is Jenny one of my best friends and I am deeply hurt and concerned for her, but Aaron is a great friend too - especially to Chuck - and we are concerned for him too (and will miss him dearly). After all, he has to be apart from Jenny and Oscar and the clan too. I only hope that it is a good place for him to be.

Update

Haven't been blogging, still having a hard time of it... normal for most of the day, then the drive home just kills me... can't stop the sad thoughts. It's not getting easier yet, it's getting harder. But there's just no helping it... no making it better... just have to try to get through it.

I dreamt about Mom last night - we were walking together and she kind of stumbled and then did some silly dance, and I hugged her and said "THAT'S why I miss you." I wish I could dream about her every night. I just live for it - where she's THERE again, right THERE - it seems so real. I need to learn lucid dreaming. Daniela got me a book about it, but I haven't really tried yet... I will.

Atlanta

Gotta go to Atlanta for work... leaving in couple hours. Not sure how keen I am on spending two nights alone in a hotel room. Chuck has been my saviour through all this... he is so thoughtful and kind and helpful... and he hugs me when I'm sad and crying. It will be hard, without any distraction at night, to keep me from dwelling on the sadness of the reality that Mom and Punky are gone... I hope the hotel room has cable, because that's the only other thing that keeps me distracted, TV.

On a hopeful note about Atlanta, there is a Jamba Juice about 3 miles from the hotel. If there is a God, he will help me find a way to get a Jamba while I'm in Atlanta.

Happy Birthday Eddie

Today is my brother's birthday. Probably his hardest one... I'm dreading mine. He and Skippy (Christina, his wife) went to LA to go to Disneyland. Then they called me from Jamba Juice on Melrose... that was just cruel. My two favorite things... great shopping and Jamba.

I need a trip to LA... I'd also go to Lola's and have homebaked macaroni and cheese, freshly baked hot cookies for dessert and about 5 martinis! Here are the ones I'd try:

You'd Be Blue Too Martini
Toddies Big Banana Martini
Clockwork Orange
Red Caramel Apple Martini
and a Very Berri Sherri Martini, in honor of my sister

Life Sucks Even More

Punky died yesterday. I'm starting to feel cursed... and pathetic... and like I have nothing but very sad things to talk and/or think about... and trying to remember how to function like a normal person...

Technically, I had the vet put him to sleep, but it was probably just a matter of minutes before he would have gone on his own. We got him a blood transfusion on Saturday, but it didn't help. I won't go in to the gory details, but by Monday morning, his condition just broke my and Chuck's heart... we didn't want him to suffer for one more moment.

So now nightime is even worse, because now in addition to thinking about Mom... now I think about Punky too. I miss getting in bed... then hearing Punky climb the stairs... then a few moments later... whoosh, he'd jump on the bed, crawl over Chuck to get to me - or crawl on Chuck if he was awake - then lay on me until I had to roll over and try to sleep, then he would lay next to me until I fell asleep... often still there in the morning. I miss his furry little face and gigantic feet (he had 7 toes on each foot).

I look at it as Mom got a belated birthday gift (appropriate, since I'm always late with gifts and such), a sweet, loving kitty to keep her company. She loved Punky very much... he lived at home (at Mom's) with me for 3 years before I got married, so she was very attached to him. I'm sure she's taking very good care of him.