Blue Christmas

My grieving situation has achieved the 80/20 rule. Eighty percent of the time, I'm fine. Twenty percent of the time, I'm an emotional, sobbing wreck. Usually that 20% is when I'm driving alone - consistently a dangerously sad time... or late at night when it's quiet and my mind wanders... or sometimes at unexpected moments, like when I'm at the Gap Christmas shopping. Distraction helps, but it's not always feasible. Cable tv helps (shallow, but true).

On the drive home tonight, I had the song "Blue Christmas" stuck in my head... and it made me cry because I will have a blue Christmas without Mom. So then I tried whistling "Winter Wonderland" to distract myself... and it made me cry because she loved to hear me whistle. So I called my sister and got distracted and stopped crying for 20 minutes. Then I hung up and cried for the last 2 minutes of my drive. Then I was ok again.

I should be SLEEPING!

I had yet another dream about Mom. In it, she was still in the hospital and I remember thinking, "why did I tell everyone she died?" The strange part is that even though it was about Mom, I didn't actually SEE her in the dream. But somehow I knew that she was doing very well.

I had another dream with my Mom in it. These dreams are precious, but strange. In them, she is unexpectedly alive, as I seem to be aware, in my dream, of the fact that she is supposed to have died.

Some strangeness with this dream though...

In the dream, I went to a family members house and Mom was lying on the floor talking on the phone. Again, I was surprised that she was alive. She got off the phone and started telling me that Eddie (my brother) had dreamt that night about being in hand to hand combat, gesturing as if she were holding a machine gun. So, in essence, she could "see" our dreams.

The wierd part - today I asked Eddie if he had that type of dream and he said he has violent dreams all the time, where he's usually killing somone (ok, that's scary too - the boy needs psychoanalysis). Anyhow, I found it interesting that it all tied in together, even though Eddie had never told Mom about having these type of dreams.

All in all, I don't care what they all mean, I just love the opportunity to see my Mom again, because it feels so real.

Rudolphina

I heard an interesting little tidbit on the radio yesterday. According to biologists, though both the male and female reindeer grow antlers, the males shed their antlers in late November/early December, while the females do not shed their antlers until the spring. Put two and two together and, yes... say it with me... all of Santa's reindeer are actually female!

You go girl!

As I realize how late it is, I created a pseudo-haiku relating to lack of sleep.

Delicate moon,
playing over the snow,
the night is over.

I need to vent. Along with all the other drama, I have a side issue happening that is only driving me slightly crazy. Before Mom died, Stepdad and I shared all of about 5 minutes of conversation a week. Now, he calls me every day, (down from many times a day) and tell me his every move in painful detail. On top of that, he doesn't remember from one day to the next what he's told me, so he repeats himself - VERBATIM - and I hear the same stories at least 4 times.

That said, I know he is going through the most difficult thing anyone could be asked to live through, so in the interest of saving his sanity, I let him ramble. It is, however, getting to the point where my sanity is in jeopardy. I'm having a hard time saying anything though, because I do NOT want to hurt his feelings, he's been hurt enough.

So just for my own amusement (misery loves company), I want to show you what I mean. Here is a message he left me last weekend. It is transcribed exactly, I exaggerate NOT:

Hi Honey, it's Dickie, I just called to see how you're doing, I didn't have a talk with you today. I was running around busy again, I went to see Uncle John this morning and give him his cigarettes and then I went to the cemetary to see your Mom and then I uh ** laughter and side comment to "fiance" ** um, and let's see, oh I bought some glasses and I got a earring and uh what else did I do? what else did I do? aaah, bought another pair of pants, bought the baby some REAL nice stuff and um, what else? I got a leather last night and um, anyway, I just wanted to see how you were doing and uh, gimme a call when you get a chance. I'm gonna go to church in the morning and then probably maybe I'll go down with Sherri, follow her back home, have a cup of coffee with Sher or something and oh, we're gonna have dinner Tuesday night at the house if you'd like to join us. I figured I'd make tuna casserole for Rosie and then I'll probably make something else, maybe I'll get some chicken or something, and I'll have some chicken, I know you like the chicken, if you want to join us, if you don't, you don't have to, that's no problem, and, anyway, hope Chuckie's feeling well [beep... "END OF MESSAGE" - as it ran out of space]

Oh, and my Aunt calls me about 5 times a day too and, in response to the news of Dick's engagement, says something like, "God was in my room in 1996 and, your Mommy is in heaven and Punky is in heaven and this is God's way of saving Dickie from Satan... "

That Linkin Park song keeps playing in my head...

Everything you say to me,
Takes me one step closer to the edge,
And I'm about to break,
I need a little room to breathe,
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge,
And I'm about to break

Side note, tidbits from Stepdad's message indicate that "fiance" is trying to transform him from blue-collar-carhart-jacket-blue-jeans-baseball-cap style to GQ man. More on that at a later date.

I long for the good old days when both Dad and Mom were alive, Dad was a drug dealer and fighting with Stepmom and Mom and Dick were my sanctuary of normalcy.

I haven't been blogging because I've been waiting for something good to say. Well, there just isn't any. It's all just completely shitty. But I won't say "it can't get worse" because the past months have proved that it sure the hell can.

Since I last blogged, my Stepdad has "fallen in love" with my Mom's former best friend, asked her to marry him and gave her a ring - drama ensued and is still causing stress every day. That same day I find out that kodak.com is going to be downsized from 150 people to about 40. So now I worry that I will lose my job too. And even if I happen to not get laid off, many of my friends could - and the work environment that I have always thought was so great because of all the wonderful people, will be shit.

Then, yesterday, Jenny learns that Aaron has been called back to active duty - potentially for a year. Not only is Jenny one of my best friends and I am deeply hurt and concerned for her, but Aaron is a great friend too - especially to Chuck - and we are concerned for him too (and will miss him dearly). After all, he has to be apart from Jenny and Oscar and the clan too. I only hope that it is a good place for him to be.

Update

Haven't been blogging, still having a hard time of it... normal for most of the day, then the drive home just kills me... can't stop the sad thoughts. It's not getting easier yet, it's getting harder. But there's just no helping it... no making it better... just have to try to get through it.

I dreamt about Mom last night - we were walking together and she kind of stumbled and then did some silly dance, and I hugged her and said "THAT'S why I miss you." I wish I could dream about her every night. I just live for it - where she's THERE again, right THERE - it seems so real. I need to learn lucid dreaming. Daniela got me a book about it, but I haven't really tried yet... I will.

Atlanta

Gotta go to Atlanta for work... leaving in couple hours. Not sure how keen I am on spending two nights alone in a hotel room. Chuck has been my saviour through all this... he is so thoughtful and kind and helpful... and he hugs me when I'm sad and crying. It will be hard, without any distraction at night, to keep me from dwelling on the sadness of the reality that Mom and Punky are gone... I hope the hotel room has cable, because that's the only other thing that keeps me distracted, TV.

On a hopeful note about Atlanta, there is a Jamba Juice about 3 miles from the hotel. If there is a God, he will help me find a way to get a Jamba while I'm in Atlanta.

Happy Birthday Eddie

Today is my brother's birthday. Probably his hardest one... I'm dreading mine. He and Skippy (Christina, his wife) went to LA to go to Disneyland. Then they called me from Jamba Juice on Melrose... that was just cruel. My two favorite things... great shopping and Jamba.

I need a trip to LA... I'd also go to Lola's and have homebaked macaroni and cheese, freshly baked hot cookies for dessert and about 5 martinis! Here are the ones I'd try:

You'd Be Blue Too Martini
Toddies Big Banana Martini
Clockwork Orange
Red Caramel Apple Martini
and a Very Berri Sherri Martini, in honor of my sister

Life Sucks Even More

Punky died yesterday. I'm starting to feel cursed... and pathetic... and like I have nothing but very sad things to talk and/or think about... and trying to remember how to function like a normal person...

Technically, I had the vet put him to sleep, but it was probably just a matter of minutes before he would have gone on his own. We got him a blood transfusion on Saturday, but it didn't help. I won't go in to the gory details, but by Monday morning, his condition just broke my and Chuck's heart... we didn't want him to suffer for one more moment.

So now nightime is even worse, because now in addition to thinking about Mom... now I think about Punky too. I miss getting in bed... then hearing Punky climb the stairs... then a few moments later... whoosh, he'd jump on the bed, crawl over Chuck to get to me - or crawl on Chuck if he was awake - then lay on me until I had to roll over and try to sleep, then he would lay next to me until I fell asleep... often still there in the morning. I miss his furry little face and gigantic feet (he had 7 toes on each foot).

I look at it as Mom got a belated birthday gift (appropriate, since I'm always late with gifts and such), a sweet, loving kitty to keep her company. She loved Punky very much... he lived at home (at Mom's) with me for 3 years before I got married, so she was very attached to him. I'm sure she's taking very good care of him.

Life Sucks

Nightime... the worst... sadness increases 10-fold... on top of it all, tonight I have more to be sad about.

First, it's Halloween, the first holiday of the "holiday season"... the first holiday without Mom. It may seem silly to miss Mom on Halloween, but she loved Halloween... every year she'd put on this silly indian mask to make us laugh... she'd get candy for anyone and everyone... she'd send a Halloween card with scratch-off lottery tickets in it. If her presence is so missed at Halloween, how am I going to get through Thanksgiving and... ugh, I can barely say it...Christmas? Not to mention her Birthday, which is this Sunday... she would have been only 57.

And the other tragedy occuring in my life... my cat is deteriorating rapidly. He has Chronic Kidney Failure and is in rough shape. He's anemic, his pupils are very dilated and he will only eat if we put the food right up to his nose. I realize he's a senior citizen, but I just can't bear to see him so sick... the Vet says he isn't suffering... but I'm not so sure. I think there may be some options, but they may only give him more 'weeks', not even 'months'... I just can't bear to think about it any more right now. I'll find out more from the Vet tomorrow morning...

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Music is a powerful thing. Many songs take on much more significance when you've lost someone special.

This Oasis song "Stop Crying Your Heart Out", which before Mom died was just a catchy toon that seemed to be about self-pity, now takes on new meaning. It makes me feel as if the song was being sung to her as she was dying (from heart problems), with her family standing around her hospital bed... here are the main lyrics:

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

Better Living Through Chemistry

No, I haven't taken to drugs (just wanted to share a good article)... though the thought did cross my mind (prescription drugs). Instead, my brother Eddie gave me a great pep talk as to why I don't need them. He told me I was a very strong person and pointed out some of the shit I've lived through... and he's right... even if most of the time I feel fragile and sensitive, when I have to be, I can be strong. I attribute that to Mom.

So back to the Chemistry stuff... I'm a Beauty Product Nerd and, in particular, interested in anything and everything having to do with hair... and found this cool article:
Better Hair through Chemistry

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Yelli today. Welcome to my thirtysomething world.

Not so Fast

Ok, the healing may have begun, but it's going SLOW. I just can't believe she's gone, it's a physical pain. I want to stop my brain from working... to stop thinking of regrets and the horror of what I saw in the hospital.

I regret that we didn't at least entertain her worry that she could die (even though the Doctors made it sound about as risky as getting tonsils out). I regret that we didn't spend every waking moment with her before she went in to surgery. I would love more than anything to have had words of comfort - from her - to replay over and over in my head... instead of those other thoughts. I regret not telling the Doctor to treat her as though she was VP Dick Cheney... or David Letterman.. or HIS OWN mother. Would it have made a difference? I tend to think so.

The book I'm reading, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" has alot of poems in it... and one struck me... it explains exactly how I feel...

I found
in you
a home.

Your departure
left me a
Shelterless Victim
of a
Major Disaster.

I called the
Red Cross,
but they
refused to
send over
a nurse.

The Healing Begins

It's still so painful, I can't believe she's gone. I never realized how much joy I got out of telling my Mom about my life. Things don't seem as meaningful without Mom to tell and be proud of me... I hope that will change with time.

I know she wouldn't want me to be moping around sad... she'd probably do a silly dance to cheer me up... problem is, Mom is probably the only one who truly could cheer me up at a time like this.

Her funeral was so sad, but there were funny moments too. A coworker of hers read from a collection of memories put together by himself and others who worked with her. It made us laugh through our tears, but that would be what Mom wanted - people laughing at her funeral.

My favorite was from a coworker who recalled - while very pregnant - complaining about how big her belly was getting... my Mom replied, "the only thing that gets bigger on me is my ass". Hee, hee... very "Mom".

All her coworkers were very sad. They said she was more than a coworker, she was a friend. She'd always ask about their families. She knew all their husbands/wives/kids names and, if they didn't have kids, she knew their pets' names...

My blog will probably be pathetic (if existent) for quite a while... but hopefully it will be funny too, as I recall many of the things that made my Mom so wonderful.

Heartbroken

Mom's gone. Sunday, October 6th... she couldn't fight any more.

I'm heartbroken. Not sure how to get through each day.

Someday, when it's a little easier, I may post about things that made my Mom such a special person, but right now it's too painful.

It's too painful to laugh. It's too painful to be.

I think I am going to stop posting about Mom. It seems that just when things are looking up, bad things happen. The latest is that she has pulmonary hypertension, i.e., her lungs aren't working right and making it hard to get oxygen to her other organs.

More miracles are needed at this point.

Her lungs seemed a little better today and she was a bit more alert... that was good.

Mom has beaten death before (in 1970, when she was 25, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease... they told my Dad and Gram that she had 3 months to live... she came back to Rochester and got a new form of radiation they had just started doing at Strong Hospital... and 5 years later, was considered "cured") and I pray she has the strength to do it again.

I cannot think about what might happen though, good or bad. I have to focus on the fact that she's still alive (even if it is machines that are the reason for that) and that she is fighting with everything she's got.

Mom is slowly improving. Back from the brink, I pray. I think she's going to have an I-could-see-myself-on-the-hospital-bed-from-above-then-started-down-a-tunnel-with-a-bright-light-at-the-end-and-saw-your-Dad-and-he-told-me-to-go-back-because-it-wasnt-my-time story to tell. Like Nikki Sixx... but not from a self-induced dose of heroin.

Still not "out of the woods" as the Dr.s say, but also "nothing short of a miracle".

I'm afraid my level of relief is unchanged until she becomes coherent again... A blink on command will be as if she's won a gold medal. I will be overjoyed.