Clean as a Whistle

Get ready for it, the "First Major Toilet Paper Innovation in over 100 Years". Yes, debuting this week, "Cottonelle Fresh™ Rollwipes — America's first and only dispersible, pre-moistened wipe on a roll."



I don't know what shocks me more, the fact that toilet paper NEEDS to change or the fact that it hasn't changed AT ALL in so many years. I think that until now, toilet paper has been the antithesis of the personal computer. All that's over now. First pre-moistened, what'll be next, exfoliating? "For a youthful looking...", err, I won't even go there.

Bunny Hugger Blunder

As many of you may know, my friend Jenny loves bunnies. She had a beloved pet bunny (R.I.P. Bunny) whom she misses very much and she collects all things bunny related. She is a true bunny hugger. I am also a great lover of animals. I sob when I see roadkill, imagining the suffering and pain endured. Emergency Vets sets me off like a faucet. My doggie and kittie (Grizz and Punky) get big kisses when I get home. I have deer whistles on my car for their sake more than mine. I used to volunteer as an educator at the zoo. I love those sweet little fuzzy faces and don't want to bring them any harm. That is, unless I'm hungry, then the story changes slightly.

Anyway, last week I lost my gloves and, being that it's still DAMN COLD here, had to dig out another pair. The only thing I found was a pair of rabbit-fur-lined mittens my Mom had gotten me a couple years ago for Christmas. I didn't want to offend my Mom, but I was horrified, so I kept them but never wore them. Until now. I really didn't have much of a choice and, as much as I hate to admit it, they are toasty warm. Well Jenny got a glimpse of them today and the look on her face was crushing. She said, "heeeyyyy" and, after grabbing at them, "those feel familiar."

I'm sorry Jenny, but don't feel bad, they just shaved the little guys and then sent them on their way. Glued the fur into the gloves. Yep, I read it on the tag, yeah, that's how they make 'em.

I'm on My Way

Jenny added to my list of diets and listed the Intestinal Flu Diet. I found out today that hubby has four (count 'em - FOUR!!) coworkers who contracted some kind of stomach bug and had 2 days of, well, lets just say, expulsion of bodily fluids from various orifices.

My first thought, "did they lose weight???" My second thought, "Honey, can you inhale deeply near a couple of them, then come home for a make out session?" I'll be thin and fabulous in a mere 2 days.

Pleasure and Pain

I went snowboarding yesterday. First time this year, went twice last year. Got instruction from Tony, he's a great teacher, very patient. Got encouragement from Andy, he waited and waited, and didn't complain even the tiniest bit.

It went like this: ooooh, fun... fun, fun, fun... OW! fun, fun, fun... intense fear of getting off the lift... OW, OW, OW ** stars and birdies **... concusion? Don't think so. Back up, Fun, fun... heel side is easy, getting the hang of this... fun, fun, fun. What? Toe side? Do I have to Tony? Ok... OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TOO FAAASSSTTT... OW OW! Try a turn, WOW, I DID IT, can't turn back though, AAAHH, boom - OW, OW, OW. Back to heel side, slow and easy... Fun, fun, fun!

Today, it's like this: OW, OW, OW... pain everywhere... neck, shoulder blade, wrist, calves, shoulders, legs, OW, OW, OW. Feel like I got hit by a bus. Hmmm, perhaps I am feelin the burn... losing weight? Wonder when I can go again!

Diets for the New Millenium

Jenny and I were talking at lunch yesterday and, in our own warped way, realized that there is some uncharted territory in the realm of fad diets. Here are a few we thought could be the next hot new thing.
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The Mt. Everest Diet

Climb Mount Everest and subsist on freeze-dried food and water. Lose ALL your body fat and then lose some of your muscle tissue too. Heck, while you're at it, you might even lose some bone density - every pound counts. If you survive, you will be thin and fabulous!

Inspired by the book "Into Thin Air" (Jenny)
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The For-My-Art Diet

Become an actor and star in a movie where you have to drop a bunch of weight in a short period of time to portray a person stranded on a desert island for 4 years. You will be praised for your conviction to your art and for dropping weight faster than Calista Flockhart after a cheeto-fest. You'll be thin and fabulous as you go up to collect your Oscar.

Inspired by Tom Hanks.
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The Braces Diet

Have an orthodontist turn you into metal mouth and within hours all those yummy fattening treats will be too painful to eat. You'll survive on soup and mini-pancakes for weeks. When you walk your size 2 into a room, your smile will light the way. You'll be thin and fabulous.

Inspired by Jo - she looks great!
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Movie-a-Minute

The Movie-a-Minute site is hilarious. It summarizes movies into one or two sentences. I noticed they didn't have one for The Perfect Storm, so I wrote one. WARNING: If you haven't see the movie, you might not want to read this!!

George Clooney:
I cannot be outfished by an attractive woman. I will brave danger to prove my manhood.

Marky Mark:
I must go fishing this one last time before I give it up to be with my loving wife.

(Score the mother load of fish, gigantic wave, everyone dies)

Has Hell Frozen Over?

Can you believe that I actually craved a veggie burger today? Shocking! I actually thought that Hell had frozen over and I was craving healthy food, but alas, it wasn't meant to be...



I had a veggie burger at the Empire a couple weeks back. I was in one of those I-really-should-eat-something-healthy kind of moods - which I'm not in too often, especially when out at a restaurant that serves bacon cheeseburgers. But that day (it must've been right after the new year), I was in this rare mood and the veggie burger came with cheese on it, so I took the plunge and ordered it. First bite seemed to taste pretty good but I got nervous when I could actually SEE vegetable matter - good sized chunks of carrots and some green stuff. I thought, "if this burger is THAT close to being real pieces of vegetable as opposed to a vegetable slurry, I won't like it." But like a trooper, I continued on, one bite at a time. Mmmmmmmmm. Ignored the visible vegetable chunks, savored the cheese and tomato sauce and loved every minute of it. This veggie burger turned out to be a little slice of heaven. I rejoiced! I have been saved, I finally liked something that was healthy.

So today I had to have another one. However, after enjoying my pseudo healthy meal, I had a realization... I think the Empire's veggie burger is deep fried in lard. Yep, it's the only logical explanation for why I not only liked it, but subsequently CRAVED it. It's boiled in oil, then topped with cheese. It all makes perfect sense now.

Sniff my Arm Please

If you've read my blog before, you'll remember that I raved about Skinmarket, which, I'll repeat, is not related to porn in any way (except for the fact that the sensuous smells of their wonderful products can supposedly lead to episodes of porn).



Well today I used my Brown Sugar Body scrub and I smell better than homemade cinnamon rolls. I almost got caught sniffing my arm in the hallway. That would've been a little difficult to explain! I made Jo and Abby sniff my arm. They agreed that I smell yummy. I tried to get Tim to sniff my arm, he took a pass. It's been 8 hours since my shower and I can still smell my yummy self, which is quite amazing since most people can't smell themselves at all after about 15 minutes (hence people who drench themselves in enough perfume and cologne to choke a horse yet walk around like they smell like the spring air). The description of the product says the following:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These amazing scrubs have to be smelled to be believed; the
ultra-sensual fragrances of green tea, orange vanilla, and
citrus have been known to drive men wild. Brown sugar
exfoliates, leaving skin unbelievably smooth, while nut oils
soak your skin with moisture. A full-body brown sugar
rub-down will leave you absolutely glowing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not quite driving any men wild (not even close), but I certainly am intoxicating myself with the luscious smell of myself. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm bragging, but you really have to try this stuff to believe it! Either that or sniff my arm.

Blogger is Back!

Well, I can finally post to Blogger again. I hope my $10 helped. Only now I have a book to write about what's been happening over the past month. Happy Hew Year everyone.

Food Sinner

Since I last blogged, my hubby has turned in to a food nazi. He is a Virgo and, of course, can't do anything half way. He made a firm decision to eat better and lose weight and the boy has the will power of a supermodel now. He is recording and measuring everything, in true Virgo style.

You ever been around someone very religious and you feel a bit uncomfortable because you just know your not as "good" as you should be. After all, you know that they wouldn't even break the speed limit and you peeled out of the parking lot of the liquor store last night and drove home like a maniac to get home in time to see Sex in the City. Well that's how I feel around hubby. I feel like a food sinner.

Me: "Honey, I'm starving, let's stop and grab a pizza."
Hubby: "No, I have to get home so I can eat a piece of chicken the size of a deck of cards, 10 miniature carrots, one cup of corn without butter, and a gallon of water."

Well, I say get me a dozen Krispy Kremes and send me on my way to Hell.

Sea Lions, Dolphins, and Whales, Oh My!

I just got back from a business trip to San Jose, but took an extra few days to visit with my very good friends who moved out there. As I got off the plane at 10:30pm (1:30am NY time), Su says, "Tina, you're going to hate me. You're going to love me but you're going to hate me." I love the way Su expresses herself! She continues, "we're going Whale watching!". I am THRILLED, ESTATIC! Dolphins and whales are a passion for me. "But we have to leave at 7:30am." Ugh. But really, not a problem for me at all. If I can pop out of bed at 4am to go to Krispy Kreme, I can certainly pop up at 7am for playful marine mammals.

It was well worth it. Almost immediately we saw a school of 600 Common Dolphins - with a few Sea Lions mixed in. The froliced and swam next to the boat, entertained us and posed for some great pictures. (This isn't my picture, but mine will look alot like this:)



Then we saw some Gray whales, but I have to be honest, they weren't all that exciting. You'd see them for about a minute - their backs and then a quick tail fluke, then they'd dive for about 10 minutes.

But just when we thought the excitement was over, we spotted a Sea Otter. He had fallen asleep and floated out pretty far. I think we woke him up, he looked pretty groggy and his expression seemed to say, "What the... Where am I? Who are all those people staring at me? Where are my underwear?" He was the cutest, fuzziest-face little thing I've ever seen (besides Ben Affleck).



Nathan saved the day when he drove home though. Su and I slept like babies with our life in his non-caffeine-assisted hands.

Trojan Horse

I also got to visit with Daniela, my dear sweet friend, fellow Scorpio and fellow cheese lover. She had a party at her house (for Heidi's birthday) and we ate cheese (lots of yummy, fancy, french cheese) and played Cranium. It was a great time. The girls kicked butt at Cranium. Though my humming wasn't the best, I did guess a couple of cloodle's pretty quick. Heidi's impression of "Trojan Horse" was quite effective. Let's just say, not only did she use the gesture of a condom to get us to guess correctly, she added the idea that the condom could actually fit on a horse. Su sculpted like a pro, fast and furious, and Daniela guessed the cloodle questions
correctly at the first stroke of the pen! Amazing.

I also loved Daniela's Mom's impression of Mick Jagger - without singing a word, she got the guys to guess correctly. It was all in the lips.

I'm tempted to try to get a job as a flight attendant just so I can fly out to California and visit my friends all the time. I miss them!

Shake it Baby

Oh yeah, one last thing, Jenny, Jo and I are taking a class called "Bellydancing for Fun and Fitness." When Jo asked me the title as she was filling out her registration, I said, "Bellydancing for Fun and Profit." Prophetic? Perhaps.

Froggy

Oh yeah, forgot to tell you about my voice. Saturday morning it went bye bye. I sounded worse than a young boy going through puberty. It was a bit freaky to lose my voice - made me realize that I truly am a chatty cathy. Of course it didn't stop me from talking, it only made it more painful for others to listen.

My voice is almost back to normal, now I just sound like Janis Joplin after chainsmoking for 20 years.

Hello, my name is Tina and I'm a Cosmetics Addict

Christmas came and went, without much ado. Calm, quiet, generous, and filling (oh yeah, and fulfilling too). I gave some great gifts and got some great gifts. I'm spoiled.

Hubby got me stuff from Skinmarket. I know, it sounds like a porn store. It's not. It's a store I found out west that has the yummiest of beauty goodies. Hair masques, shampoo, conditioner, lotions, body sprays, skin care, makeup, nail polish... all that smell good enough to eat! As I opened my gifts, the feeling of joy I felt when walking into this store for the first time came flooding back like an overflowing tub filled with mango-rasberry scented bath salts. Hubby wins the 'even-though-I'm-a-virgo-and-believe-in-practical-gifts-I-will-indulge- my-wifey-with-even-more-beauty-products-anyway' award!! I love that man.

I don't necessarily wear alot of makeup, but I certainly OWN alot. I love it! I love the way all those eyeshadows look inside that little drawer. All the pretty colors. So what if I actually only use one or two - I feel good just knowing I have them. Same goes for hair products. I have stuff to straighten my hair, stuff to curl my hair, stuff to tame the frizz, stuff to make it smell nice, stuff to make it shiny, stuff to make it thick, stuff to make it stay. Sometimes I use both the curl enhancer and the straightener just to see what happens. My hair looks different every day so I can't pinpoint what works well and what doesn't, so I just buy more to see if something new will work best.

There must be a name for this disorder. My brother would say, "yeah, it's called a shopoholic". Maybe.

Decorating Tips

In the spirit of the holidays, found this lovely little link to the new online MAD magazine. Click on the link for Christmas lights you may have missed.

Gluttony

Friday was my last hurrah (my most current last hurrah anyway) in the pigging-out department. I started out with a gigantic cappuccino (yum!), then got in to work and indulged in Lazypalooza (a junk food fest). I proceeded to eat everything imaginable: potato chips, cocktail weenies, tortilla chips with cheese, easy cheese and crackers, cheetos, pepperoni, cheesecake and last, but certainly not least, a krispy kreme for dessert. And after all that, I'll have to be honest and say that I was miffed no one brought in double stuff oreos.

My shame over eating so much led me to do a little surfing and I found this lovely little ditty, "those who commit the Sin of Gluttony are punished in Hell by being forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes". All I can say is, "Can I get some Dinosaur BBQ sauce and a side of fries with that?" as I wipe the sweat from my brow.

The Road to Recovery

Today I am recuperating from a weekend of dancing my a** off. For a 32-year-old, I can still groove like I'm 22, but I suffer more the next day. Friday night Tony dj'd at the Bug Jar and Abby and I danced for 3 hours straight. Then we turned around and did the same thing on Saturday night. I don't know how it is that I can dance for 3 hours straight with barely a bathroom break but at work I can't even climb one flight of stairs without sounding like the little asthmatic kid on "Malcolm in the Middle".

But the last hurrah (providing a good dose of junk-food-craving satiation) and all the dancing (hopefully equating to many burned calories) has finally, **I think**, gotten me on the track to eating better. I said 5 Hail Marys and started drinking lots of water again. I just hope nobody brings in Krispy Kremes this week because that little angel on my shoulder will knock someone down to get to a k.k. donut.

Catch Up

Is it a coincidence that I haven't blogged since my day at Krispy Kreme or an indication that I've been too busy eating donuts to blog? You figure it out.

Actually, the week flew by because "I wad bery sick ad was sleeping most of the tibe." I drank more tea last week than I've drank the whole previous rest of my life. I don't like tea, but it started to grow on me. Maybe I'll become a foo-foo tea drinker now, who knows (apologies to all you foo-foo tea drinkers).

When I finally felt better, I went to Abby's party. I couldn't drink (I was driving), so I did the next best thing - played games. I've realized that I get really wierd when I play games. I get aggressive, bossy and loud - very un-tina-like. I don't feel an urgency to win, I'm not too bad about that, but I feel this compelling need to have everyone follow the rules EXACTLY. Again, very un-tina-like as I'm usually pretty laid back with a do-whatever-makes-you-happy-as-long-as-no-one-gets-hurt attitude. But apparently not when it comes to games, then I become militant - "NO, it's YOUR turn and it's an ALL PLAY and you MUST get it RIGHT before you can MOVE, pay attention dammit!" I don't really like the game playing me, but I love to play games, so I guess I'll just have to work through that psychosis.

I also spent a total of 11 hours this weekend making cookies. Five at Sarah's house learning a secret family recipe for some of the yummiest cookies I've ever had. Six at home making sugar cookies and peanut butter blossoms for Cookiepalooza - a cookie fest/contest we had at work today. It turned out to be a pretty big waste of my time because Jenny, who I've renamed Martha Jr., blew the competition away with just about the cutest bunny and snowmen cookies you've ever seen. And to add salt to the wound, they tasted yummy too. I wanted to bite all their heads off. Just kidding, that would also be very un-tina-like.

Growing Girl

Well, as you can see from above, we had Cookiepalooza today. I ate many cookies. I'm growing - and not in a good way. Tomorrow I'm eating better, I swear. Just because there is a whole box of Krispy Kremes downstairs and two plates of cookies and tomorrow we're taking Sarah to lunch for her birthday, I swear I'll drink lots of water and eat light. I think I can, I think I can...

Yummy Yummy in my Tummy

Yep, got up at 4am to get in line for the grand opening of Krispy Kremes in Henrietta, NY (that's my excuse for the really bad hair too). I'll be honest, I didn't really do it for the donuts (heavenly though they are). I did it for the hype, the experience, the bonding, but most of all - for the free t-shirt. Jenny, Aaron, Joel, Tony and I got up while the rest of the world slept (except for the other loonies who went to Krispy Kreme) and took our place in line, making history.

To understand the significance of this accomplishment on my part, you must understand that I am much more likely to be going to sleep at 4am than getting up. You got it, I'm a night owl - and if left undisturbed, I can easily sleep 12-15 hours a shot - so it wasn't easy popping up way before the crack of dawn (would it be the feet of dawn or the neck of dawn then?). Anyway, it was a feat.

But it was all worth it, I now have a t-shirt that says "The Hot Light is on in Henrietta, NY". So is it just me, or does that sound perverted to you?

I also got a button that says "Hot Doughnuts Now" with a little red flashing light in the "o" of Hot. Yep, gonna wear that out to the clubs, that should garner me some interesting pickup lines. If I'm actually brave enough to do it, I'll be sure to blog the results.

Afflecktion Update

I know I haven't blogged in a while about Ben, but he has not yet escaped my realm, hard as he may try. I just haven't had time to tell you all about our crazy adventures. I did manage to see "Bounce" this weekend and catch Ben on "The Actors Studio", so the fantasy fodder has grown. After the love scene between him and Gwenyth was flashed before my face, never to leave my mind's eye, I can readily picture me and Ben rolling around. Still PG rated, but the insinuation is there. Woo Hoo. When I have more time, perhaps I will give you the details of what led up the rolling around - in a haystack, yeah, it was in a haystack....

The Afflecktion Continues

NOTE: If you haven't read the first Afflection installment, you really should read that first.

And all apologies to Chuck, my dear, sweet, loving husband, but this Afflecktion thing can't be helped and Dr. Ruth and Cosmopolitan says fantasizing is good for a marriage. I'm sure you've had many not-so-PG-rated thoughts yourself about Mariah Carey and Toni Braxton and Faith Hill and so on, and so on…

OK, that said, the fantasies continue:

{Scene: Me and Ben, out to see Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay, Friday evening}

Me: "Did you know that sharks never run out of teeth, they always have another set ready to go if one should be lost or pulled out by an overzealous scuba diver anxious to make a necklace?" [Ben chuckles.] "Sorry, can't help but spew useless facts about animals - I had 5 years of conditioning at the zoo."

Ben: "What do you like to do now that you don't spend all your free time at the zoo?"

Me: "Well, I have a great group of friends that I hang out with and my girlfriend Abby and I love to go dancing. Abby would love to meet you, she's a huge fan – she thinks you're a hottie. We should call her! Oooh, she totally won't believe it's you, she'll think it's Tony - the guy you met earlier - being a wise ass."

[We call Abby and Ben and Abby talk for a while... I'll let Abby fill in details for the phone call in her own mind ;) ]

Ben: "So, you like to go dancing? Me too. Have you been to Baby's at the Hard Rock?"

Me: "Oh yeah, we went last night! My posse took me out for my birthday, now that I'm finally old enough to drink." [Big wink to Ben, he realizes I am older than 21 but somehow understands that he shouldn't ask how old.] "We did some serious booty shaking. We headed over to Ra after that, at about 2, but they weren't letting people in – I think because you were in there."

Ben: "Oh yeah, I did some booty shakin of my own."

[I zone out for a minute, picturing Ben's booty shaking in my mind. His words pull me back to reality.]

Ben: "So it was you're birthday? Well you really should let me take you out dancing for your birthday."

Me: "I would love that, but I'm supposed to fly home tonight."

Ben: "Fly home? On a Friday night? Leave Vegas on a Friday night? Before the weekend? You'd have to be insane to do that!"

Me: "Yeah I know, I regretted the decision immediately after my ticket was cast in stone. I guess I just didn't want to have to leave my cat for too long. "

Ben: "You're such a bunny-hugger. I like that in a girl." [Ben winks back at me – I damn near melt.] "Now let's call the airline, get your ticket changed, I'll get you a room at the Hard Rock for tonight and tomorrow, we'll hang out tomorrow – you can take me to Krispy Kreme – and then I'll take you dancing tomorrow night and see just how good you can shake that booty, OK?"

Me: [Enthralled by the take charge attitude] "Well, how's a girl to refuse that offer? It's a damn good thing I'm not married! I'll just have to let my Mom know that I'll be home a few days later."

{Scene: Me and Ben, out dancing, Saturday evening}

Ben: "Wow, this DC4800 you got for me is the bomb. I can't believe you hooked me up. Let's have someone take our picture – but you'll have to come to my room and show me how to download the pictures onto my laptop."

Me: "Sure, no problem, I'll give you some lessons later…" [heart races even faster]



to be continued? Perhaps…

Afflecktion

I am obsessed with Ben Affleck. OK, not really obsessed with HIM, but obsessed with the fact that he was standing right there in front of me at the Kodak booth at Comdex. I had the perfect opportunity to have a NORMAL conversation, ONE-on-ONE interaction, potentially gather an email address out of it – and I BLEW IT!!!

What Actually Happened

Some background info: I had 2 hours sleep the night before (out celebrating my birthday). Ben had been at the Luxor the night before, didn’t see him, but he had signed some Bounce posters, so he was definitely in Vegas.

{SCENE SETTING: Kodak booth at Comdex, Friday, November 17th, approx. 1pm.}

[I’m typing away at a terminal, helping a customer – hair thrown up, wearing glasses and the ever present khaki pants and black Kodak shirt – i.e., not looking my best]

[Move scene to Tony, hamming it up with all passers by, standing with a tall, good looking man.]

Tony: "Tina, doesn’t this guy look like Ben Affleck?"

[I glance over, think the guy looks somewhat like Ben, but not overwhelmingly so. His hair is very short and he’s clean shaven, not the typical Ben Affleck look shown in the media… I notice that his Comdex pass is turned around and think that I should check the name on his pass]

Me: "Well, it could be him."

[I turn back, stare at potential-Ben, potential-Ben stares back with a look as if to say, "so do you think I’m HIM?", no words are exchanged, only a momentary stare. The next 15-30 seconds are fuzzy, then I look over just in time to see Ben walking away from the booth in a bit of a hurry, too far away now to get him back.]

The Aftermath

At first, I was not convinced it was him. I thought, if I saw Ben Affleck, I would KNOW it was Ben Affleck, how could I not recognize him immediately? But the evidence piled up:

- he was in Vegas on Thursday night
- through a web-board, I found out he was still in Vegas on Saturday night
- he was very tall and very cute
- Tony said his teeth were a bit crooked
- He had his pass turned around so no name was visible
- I find an article on the internet that says he’s a computer geek
- Ted tells me that he & a few acting buddies are trying to break into the online entertainment industry
- I’m cursed. I have the worst Karma when it comes to meeting or even seeing celebrities, so it would make perfect sense that I would blow a dream opportunity to have normal interaction with one of the most famous (and damn fine) guys on the planet.

The Afflecktion Starts

Once convinced that I missed the biggest opportunity of my life, my mind has been racing with nothing but thoughts of what could have been. I’ve been going through it over and over in my mind, with scenarios ranging from close to realistic, to elaborate unrealistic fantasies that don't take into account the fact that I’m happily married and allow me to think that Ben might actually have given me the time of day.

The realistic ones are pretty boring, but still would have been much better than what actually happened. I envision taking his picture, uploading it to the Picture Center, showing him how to put his face on a Panda bear, laughing with him, memorizing the email addresses as he sends a Picture This Postcard to Gwyneth, and saying "it was a pleasure meeting you."

The other fantasies are getting more and more intricate every day. Now mind you, my fantasies so far are mild, totally PG, no raunchy sexual stuff happening (though I’m pretty sure, with all the thinking I’m doing, that I’ll get to that eventually), they just involved detailed thoughts of how the interaction could have gone... they only lead to dinner… then I usually doze off by the time I get that far. I probably shouldn't even call them fantasies, more like day dreams.

What Could Have Happened (under no realistic circumstances)

Anyway, here’s one example of how I think it could have gone if 1) I had paid closer attention, 2) I wasn’t married, and 3) Ben would give me the time of day.

[I’m typing away at a terminal, helping a customer – hair thrown up, wearing glasses and the ever present khaki pants and black Kodak shirt – i.e., not looking my best]

[Move scene to Tony, hamming it up with all passers by, standing with a tall, good looking man.]

Tony: "Tina, doesn’t this guy look like Ben Affleck?"

[I glance over, think the guy looks somewhat like Ben, but not overwhelmingly so. His hair is very short and he’s clean shaven, not the typical Ben Affleck look shown in the media… I notice that his Comdex pass is turned around and think that I should check the name on his pass.]

Me: "Well, it could be him."

[I turn back, stare at potential-Ben, potential-Ben stares back with a look as if to say, "so do you think I’m HIM?", no words are exchanged, only a momentary stare.]

Me: "Hmmm, let me take a closer look. The hair is throwing me off a bit, but the cheekbones are right and the chin is right. Can I look at your badge?"

Ben: "Sure - Bob Fleck, good name, isn’t it?" [Ben quips, not admitting to either identity.]

Me: "One last thing, let me look at your hands."

[I take Ben’s hand in mine, holding it gently. Ben looks at me, he is unmistakably aware of my touch.]

Me: "Yes, these look to be the finely manicured hands of someone who’s appearance is important to their job – so you’re definitely not a computer programmer." [all laugh]

Me: "Well ‘Bob’," [I say sarcastically and give Ben a wink], "why don’t you let us take your picture, then use the Picture Center to turn you into a monkey."

Ben: "You can do that? Cool."

[I take Ben’s picture and make Tony take one of me with Ben. Wait, this is my fantasy right? Change that to: we take Ben’s picture and Ben insists on having me in a picture with him. Lots of joking and flirting ensues. We talk about animals and I tell him how I love animals and used to volunteer at the zoo… ]

Ben: "Have you seen the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay? It's pretty awesome."

Me: "No, I’ve been meaning to get over there but I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time."

Ben: "Do you have some time after you finish today? – I’m staying there and I have free passes - I’d love to take you – and we can grab something to eat afterward."

Me [heart racing]: "I’d love that, I just need to change because there’s no way I’m going out in public dressed as Miss Kodak Computer Geek. I need to throw on my jeans."

Ben: "Ok, why don’t I pick you up at 6, is that enough time?"

Me: "Perfect, see you then."

[I go back to my hotel, put my contacts in, take my hair down and put on my jeans and a tshirt, nothing fancy, but a nice improvement over the booth garb. As I go outside, I see Ben hanging out of a limo. He’s looking at me, but I don’t think he totally recognizes me.]

Me: "Hey Ben, see anything else cool at Comdex?"

Ben: "Oh. Yeah, that Memory Stick thing was cool. Wow, I almost didn’t recognize you."

Me: "Yeah, I was incognito at Comdex."

[Here it starts to become blurry, less detailed. I envision laughter and sharing stories… then, maybe because I actually AM happily married, my mind doesn’t let me take it any further, besides, I don’t think it would be appropriate material for a public blog, but let’s just say my imagination is working harder each day.]

I'm Baaaaccckkkk

Ok, I've been away a long time and after the last blog, you probably thought I ran a way and became a showgirl. No such luck. I did get to have a wonderful trip to San Diego and back to Las Vegas. I don't want to bore you with the details, so I'll give highlights.

San Diego

Arrived with Ab (11-4)... we checked out the beach and checked out the bods (I do my looking strictly to be a second pair of eyes for Ab ;) The beach scene was very easy on the eyes, however, the lack of studly specimens at the conference left Abby feeling sick - or more likely it was the start of the flu. I made her take her vitamin C and echinacea - I think Abby drank more tea that week than was spilled into the Boston Harbor way back when - and it helped a little, but she was still low on energy and couldn't really enjoy all that San Diego had to offer. We'll have to go back sometime and finally get those surfing lessons Ab.

Side note: as we watched the election results roll in, I heard more expletives out of Abby's mouth than a New York City cab driver, and I loved every minute of it! You go girl!

Los Angeles

On thursday (11-9), Abby flew out early and I drove up to LA to meet up with my brother, as lack of funds and loneliness would not have allowed me to stay in SD until Sunday. I had one quick day in LA - and of course spotted NO celebrities (the Karma just gets worse and worse), then we hopped in Bro's car for the 3 and a half hour drive to Vegas. For the first hour of the trip, my brother had the radio so loud I thought my eardrums were going to bleed. I wanted to say something, but first of all, I'd have to scream at the top of my lungs to be heard and second, he was doing me a favor so I didn't want to break his groove - after all, he drives from LA to Vegas a couple times a month. I drove along thinking in my head, "is he seriously going to drive for almost four hours with the music so loud that we can't have any kind of conversation and we have to stare off into the darkness with nothing to look at but the hypnotic glow of the tail lights in front of us?", when Christina (his wife of 2 weeks) finally said that she thought she was going to die soon if he didn't turn it down. He was a perfect gentleman and turned the music almost off for the rest of the trip. Then we just had to struggle to find stuff to talk about.

Vegas

Let's see, Vegas went by pretty quick once the less-than-excitement-filled weekend ended. My Brother (the ex male-slut and now married one) and his wife have changed from party animals to the Cleavers in a short matter of time. I could barely get them out of the house. Other than that, Vegas consisted of working all day amongst mostly male computer geeks and boogying down all night at the clubs. I did see one Elvis, but he was the obese, drug addicted, hit with the ugly stick version of Elvis.

Then we celebrated my birthday for almost two days straight, it was fabulous. When we (mostly Ted) asked people how old they thought I was, I got everything from 18 up to 24 - but with 24 as a maximum, I'm as happy as a pig in, err, mud. So when I take on my new identity, I will easily get away with shaving 8 years off my actual age. I can only say hallelujah for good genes, moisturizer and sunscreen (you younguns take note - it's NEVER too early for sunscreen!)

Other highlights include:
- FOOD to die for... belgian fries with dipping sauce, yummy soup at Voodoo Cafe, Krispy Kremes, Filet Mignon, Pumpkin Cheesecake - heck, even the Kosher Hot Dogs at Comdex were good... aaahhhh, my second chin says thanks
- DANCING - shook my thang a number of times, most notably at RA and Baby's - two very happnin' places in Vegas
- ENERGY - thank Heaven for Red Bull energy drink - allowed me to do the, "there's no sleeping in Las Vegas" thing pretty successfully
- FRIENDS... though there were some special people missing from the mix, we had a great group of people and had a really good time

Back Home

Though I had a great time, I was very happy to get back home. Chuckie baked me a cake - and made frosting from scratch!! And it was yummy!!! Also while I was away he became a neat freak. He used to be a wanna-be neat freak - he'd talk about how clean he wanted the house but wouldn't take any action necessary for it to happen. Now he's actually putting things away, cleaning sinks, fun stuff like that. I must admit he's nagging me to do the same and I'm not sure the messy-slob-don't-tell-me-what-to-do-Scorpio in me can handle it, but I'm doing ok so far.

I'm glad to be home.

Cowboys and Pimps and Ho's, OH MY!

Well, I'm back from Vegas, it was a good trip, not the most fun I've ever had, but good. I've realized, after spending a week with my family, why I've needed therapy in the past and will need it again. Travelling with my Mom, Stepdad and Sister - who all haven't flown in many years - was like "The Clampets go to Vegas". My Stepdad is like, "oh, just get me checked in while I go have a smoke". Ahh, Dickie, if it were that easy, we'd be having a few more planes blow up on us, now wouldn't we? No, you have to show them your ID and answer those every so telling and critical security questions, "had anyone unknown to you asked you to carry anything on the plane?". Who would answer Yes to this? Even the stupid people would think, "no, I feel like Bob Smith, who gave me this beautiful little package, is my best friend after we talked for almost an hour over airport food".

So we get there and the Clampets turn into poster children for Gambler's Anonymous (the BEFORE pictures). My sister plopped her butt down at video keno and stayed there for almost 5 days straight - she literally slept only about 14 hours the ENTIRE trip. It's amazing how this sweet little bubbly redhead transformed into a psycho zombie bitch from hell when you tried to get her to stop gambling and do something productive, like eat. "I'm NOT leaving this machine" she hissed. And proceeded to lose enough money to feed an entire 3rd world family for two years.

So we stayed at the hotel that just happened to be the headquarters for the Rodeo Championships that were in town. I hadn't seen so many 10 gallon hats and oversized belt buckles since Bonanza was on tv. The cowboys weren't all that interesting though. The fun really started when we went to Mandalay Bay where the 10th Annual Pimp 'N Ho Ball was being held, hosted by Dennis Rodman. The place was a Skanketeria. Anyone who ever wanted a good excuse to wear as little as possible and get away with it, was there if full force. Thongs abounded. Yes, they did a damn good job looking like Hos.

Before all the debauchery started though, we went to Red Rock Canyon and fulfilled my Dad's dying wish. He wanted his ashes sprinkled in the mountains. He lived in Las Vegas for many years and loved to go up to the mountains and Red Rock. To be honest, it would have made more sense to sprinkle him on a video poker machine - since he was the one who started the obsessive-compulsive lineage I'm part of today - but it was beautiful to finally let him have a final resting place 9 and a half years after his death. R.I.P. Dad, I hope you hit the Royal Flush up there!

Leaving Las Vegas

Ok, I'm not leaving Las Vegas yet, I'm leaving FOR Las Vegas - today (that damn insomnia again!!). Woo Hoo! Broke open Piggy and counted up $67 worth of gamblin loot. If I hit the megabucks, you can bet your mega-ass I won't be coming back!

I'm mainly going because my brother Eddie (Spaghetti) is getting married on Sunday. His fiance (who he calls "Skippy" so much, I'm lucky I know her real name is Christina), is living there at the moment. They met there when they both worked at the Star Trek exhibit. I never thought my brother (who was a total skank from age 13 to age 30) would find a woman who would put up with him let alone marry him, but he has.

Ah, the memories of my brother's days as a teen hearthrob, which ultimately led to his days as a male slut... In high school, I walked down the hallway and saw, written across 28 lockers, "Eddie A is mint!". I'd often sit down at a desk in one of my classrooms to find "Tanya loves Ed" or "Susan [heart] Eddie" scribbled on it. I made friends because they wanted to meet my brother. I was considered stuck-up because, even though I was shy, I had a popular brother so my shyness was mistaken for conceit. I'd answer the phone 10 times a day - it was always a girl for him - and it was often a girl he didn't even know. When he was a bit older and living in Las Vegas, I'd be out for a visit and proceed to meet many of the seemingly endless conquests of this boy. Sometimes "hitting it" with 3 different girls in a day (though, in his words, ALWAYS wearing a "Jimmy Hat"). Oh yeah - and it was always fun when we'd be out and he'd spot some hotties and then find some way to mention that I was his sister - so they'd know he was available. That was always fun. But for the last two years, the boy has been perfectly loyal and very happy with Skippy, his little "piggy-nose" girl.

Now that I've aired my brother's dirty laundry online (thank goodness he doesn't have the URL =), I just want to say that he and Skippy are great together. I love them both very much and know that they will have a long, happy, fun, witty, romantic, loving marriage.

Hoo Hoo Hoo

Oh, and apparently, in the Poohsonality test that Jenny led us to, I'm an Owl. Which basically means I think I know it all and I am prepared to tell others all about it. So apparently I should tell Joel that of course there are Poohs and Piglets in the world, they're just not together enough to go online and take poohsonality tests.

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

I think I have insomnia. It is 1:15am and I am not the least bit tired. To the contrary, I feel as though I could run a marathon right now (if it weren't for my bad back, bum knee and the fact that after approximately 45 seconds of running, I'd want to lay down and die).

I just called Daniela in San Francisco but my phone croaked. It's the only nice thing about having a friend so far away - it's still early there when it's the middle of the night here and I'm wide awake and want to talk. Other than that, it SUCKS that she's so far away. =(

She probably thinks I use the dying phone excuse to end my calls, definitely not - just time for a new phone. We were SUPPOSED to have the kind of battery that you could recharge at any time, leave it charging, etc. etc. etc. HAH! Call me sucker. After 15 minutes of talk time - or much less if it's been left off the charger - BEEP... BEEP... BEEP, then it dies, and the only other phone in the house is upstairs in the bedroom next to Chuck's sleeping ear. I not only need a new phone, I need a few new phones, one for every room in the house. This will be my mission when I get back from all my travels.

For now, I will try to doze off while reading the new issue of Cosmo and hope that after reading "Make Him ALL Yours" and "Cosmo Celebrates Australian Men" that I dream of making Heath Ledger, Russell Crowe, and what the heck, throw Mel Gibson in there for good measure... ALL mine. Ah, a girl can dream, can't she?

(the sad part about it is, making these men "ALL mine" would probably mean using them to clean my kitchen for me... =)

Friday Night and the Weekend's Here

[Intro music] Heeeyyy Mr. DJ keep playin' that song, on and on and on [end music]. Well, Friday came and went and it was FUN. First we had the Halloween party. The big hit was Jo's icky food Mr. Kreeps story - you know, the kind of thing where you put food items in a box and people reach in and they feel like body parts? It was wild - toes (little pickles), fingers (french fries with almonds for fingernails), intestines (ramen noodles)... a brain (I think Jo actually went and got a brain from a butcher... just kidding, she had a jello mold). There were many squeals and squirminess, then we let the kids try and they were a little less impressed ;)

Then Abby and I hit the Bug Jar to hear Tony DJ. I wasn't going to dance but I had hit the sauce (Abby drove =) and was feeling pretty good, so I just followed Ab and Andy out to the dance floor and didn't stop for 2 hours straight! Woo hoo, let me tell you, I was feeling the burn Saturday... I felt like I'd done 4 step classes in a row. I probably look like a dweeb, but I have such a good time dancing. I hadn't been dancing since Abby's birthday party (when she hit the sauce ;), so it was a welcome night out. Big thanks to Ab for being DD and taking care of me =) I'll consider Friday a warm up evening to get ready for VEGAS - yeah, baby. "There's no sleeping in Vegas. "