Rant

I'm pissy today, which doesn't happen too often. I'm one of those chronically-sunshiny-happy-everythings-coming-up-roses type people on the outside (though not always on the inside), hopefully not to the point of annoying, but just to the point where people can rely on me to be the one smiling. Today I feel like the dont-come-near-me-or-i'll-rip-your-face-off type people. So I need to rant. Here are things that
tick me off:

- when someone stops the microwave before it finishes and doesn't hit clear - so it's continually flashing in *pause* mode
- when someone tailgates me even though I'm already speeding
- when the bank in the building I work in (that I frequent monthly) gets robbed
- when the lot I park in has more and more vagrants showing up bugging people for money (if one approaches me today, they might endure the wrath of a women gone mad!)
- when I realize just how UNDERPAID I am compared to the MEN in my group who do the same damn thing (but are much more annoying to work with than me)
- when I realize that I didn't follow my dream of working with dolphins (not that it's too late, but that's another issue)
- when it's almost April and it's still &*%$%@@ frozen outside
- when my clothes are too tight and I feel like a cow
- when my husband is almost skinnier than me and has no problem passing up a Krispy Kreme
- when I realize the emphasis on and promotion of unattainable beauty standards in this country, then feel like an even bigger cow
- when I realize I feel like a cow even though alot of women would probably love to have my shape (though I'm sure they'd pass on the dimples - and I'm not talkin ones on my face!)
- when I realize that I will never be rich enough to buy whatever I want or go wherever I want, whenever I want (ie, hop on a plane to visit friends or hop on a plane to be with my brother as he endures back surgery or hop on a plane to Australia to try to find the set of Survivor, etc.)
- when I find myself being really shallow and wining about wanting to be rich, especially knowing alot of people would probably love to have the income I do (like the vagrants waiting for me in the parking lot)
- when my house is a mess and I can't blame anyone but myself
- when I'm craving italian bread toasted and I ate it all yesterday

OK, I'm sure I can think of more, but that's enough for now. I have to head out to my car and hope I don't get mugged in the parking lot, then go spend money I feel guilty about spending, then try to clean up my messy house.

I hope tomorrow is better!

Ramblings

I REALLY have to start keeping up, my weekly rants must be painfully boring. Quick and dirty:

- final bellydancing class last week, new one starts tomorrow night, we recruited Abby - woohoo! Our instructor asked if we'd want to perform as a group - YIKES!

- went and saw Dolphins at the Planetarium. Haven't been to the Planetarium since I was 8, not even for the midnight laser light rock show - shame on me. Then hung at The Spot with Chuck, Matt, Jenny and Aaron. I am still amazed that BOTH Aaron AND Jenny have almost killed an elderly person by standing on the tube to their oxygen tank. It's destiny I tell you! They're meant to be together.

- went to Jenny's Oscar party and proceeded to eat like I'd been stranded on a desert island for days, I tell you, days. It was all so damn yummy! I told Jenny she should go into business making "Jenny Crack Corn". My brother ALMOST got me into the Instyle Oscar Party through a connected friend of his in LA, alas, not to be. In actuality, I was quite relieved, I would have felt like the poor but chubby little match girl next to all the hollywood hotshots. Though with J-Lo walking around all nipples, I don't think anyone else got any notice anyway. Oooh, I also won at Jenny's party for most winners-that-I-don't-necessarily-think-will-win-but-I-want-them-to-win that actually won. I got 52 Terrific and Forgotten Movies, I've only seen the cheesy ones so far. Jenny wrapped it with a bow made out of a negative film strip - her creativity is astounding, I'm in awe.

- dreamt that my teeth were falling out at work and that I almost passed out in the bathroom after looking at my teeth. Not sure what that means but it doesn't sound good. I also dreamt that my Stepmom had shampoo and conditioner dispensers in her shower that must have been big enough to hold 3 gallons each. Not sure where that one came from, odd...

Other than all that, I'm FREEZING and if it doesn't warm up soon, I'm going to curl up and die.

Bahama Breeze

While in Orlando, I went to a pretty awesome restaurant called Bahama Breeze. It was like a cross between Empire Brewery, Jamba Juice, and a fancy T.G.I.F. Caribbean food (obviously). They had a huge deck, great drinks (I had an a href="http://www.bahamabreeze.com/drinks.html "> Ultimate Pina Colada ... yummiest drink I ever had!), great food, and a great atmosphere. When they told us they were opening one in Rochester, I nearly fell off my chair. Why would someone open a tropical themed restaurant who's appeal is a big outdoor deck in Rochester where it's frozen more than half the year? Then again, Rochester is a pretty big restaurant town and Krispy Kreme certainly showed that Rochestarians will drop some serious dough for doughnuts. So it's logical that the market can support it. So I thought... if it's really true, it MUST be getting built in Henrietta. Sure enough, as Chuck and I turned from Hylan on to Jefferson, there it was. A mostly built building that had the distinct shape like the one in Orlando and a large deck. Woo hoo!! Now if only someone will have faith that Rochester could support at least a couple Jamba Juices...

So back to B.B.... the best part about it, I can tell you, will be the drinks. They have a drink called a Bahamarita that looks like a gigantic slushie. I wanted to try one, but didn't want to be a lushie =) I WILL be there for the grand opening and WILL be sampling a Bahamarita or two. Anyone care to join me?

Other Stuff

Adjusting from 80 degree weather to a damn blizzard, other than that, not much going on. Finished reading Bridget Jones Diary. Pictured Renee Zellweger throughout, as she'll be Bridget in the movie. I think she'll be perfect for the part. Am going to try to model blog writing style after it. Short but sweet, except when necessary.

Dinner with the family yesterday. Eleven loud Italians (well, 9 loud Italians and 2 married-in white boys), delicious food. Actually enjoyed family's company. Shocking! Ate like a pig. Note: found new extremely fattening food to crave: Italian Nachos at Macaroni Grill. YUM.

Vacation Wrapup

Blog catch up (I really have to stop letting so much time go by). Finished vacation. Discovery Cove was pretty cool, though with some disappointments. The first clue was that just as we got to the front of the line to 'sign in' and get passes made, their computers went down. (The happy part is that I got to pet the cutest little Two-toed Sloth you ever did see.) We waited over a half hour... as I nearly burst into tears at the thought of my dream being delayed. Finally got in, not much time before I had to report for my "Dolphin Interaction". They have three dolphin lagoons, each with between four and six dolphins. We separated into 'pods' of about 8 people each and went into one of the lagoons (they alternate lagoons to give the dolphins a break... nice). Each pod had two trainers, a photographer, and a dolphin assigned to us. I'll be honest, at some level I expected this to be a life changing experience... I thought.. when I get in there, those dolphins will just KNOW I've been waiting my whole life for this and will shower me with attention and love. Alas, proof I am delusional ensued.

Our assigned dolphin was named Goofy (second clue), she was a 37 year old Sea World retiree. As we got into the chilly water and lined up, Goofy disappeared. I looked at the other pods and they were all petting and playing with their dolphin, laughing and having the time of their lives. Goofy was still MIA. Held back tears. Goofy finally came back. All the actual interaction seemed to be centered around photo opportunities (for a mere $100, you can get 5 5x7's, two keychains and a snowglobe... woohoo). Got to kiss Goofy (click, click) then scratched her chin which she really seamed to like. Hurrah, connection with dolphin... then, Goofy is MIA again. Held back tears. One by one our pod people went out to the center of the pool, posed with Goofy (click, click), then got "brought" back to the line by Goofy. My turn, ooh, ooh. I get to put my feet against Goofy's pectoral fins as she pushes me back to shore. Whoopeee, moving fast, this is fun... smile for the camera (click, click). Kind of strange having a giant dolphin between your legs, I hope I don't slip... but hey, THIS is the kind of stuff I paid an extra $110 bucks for!!

Couple more minutes. Get to touch her flukes. Look at her underwater. She likes me, she really likes me... the delusion is back! Damn, it's almost over (after a mere 20 minutes). Goofy does her last trick of jumping up out of the water and spinning... she does this three times in a row... not bad for an old broad.

It's over, we have to leave the lagoon. So sad, want to cry. Really want to get a job as a dolphin trainer. Believe it or not, I'm semi-qualified. The psychology degree and the experience at the zoo as a docent. I'm so in there. I'm going to their HR dept today. Later that day... HR is closed, but I'll get on the web when I get home. Must work with dolphins, they'd be almost as fun as the wacky crew I work with now. Got on the web, no jobs available. Lifelong dream will not be fulfilled any time soon. Hold back tears.

All in all, with the delay, the MIA dolphin, and the rain (oh yeah, it poured!), it was a great experience and I would do it again and again.

Friday

Apparently today was crappy movie day. I watched Girl Interrupted on video... good but rather depressing. Then we went to the movies. I've been waiting to see The Mexican, have had to wait because everyone (me, hubby, and inlaws) wants to see it. So I thought today would be our chance but instead, Mother inlaw insisted on going to see 15 Minutes (either to beat the after 4 price increase from $3.75 to $5.50 or to get to dinner sooner, not sure). Yet another disturbing, stress inducing movie. Then we gathered back at home and watched Meet the Parents because I needed a dose of humor BAD. This movie did not provide the dose I needed, so now I'm jonesing for giggles. I'll go read everyone's blogs and hope that helps.

Thursday

Not much again today. The hubby went golfing. The highlight of my day? Going to Thursday Night at the Square. No, no, it wasn't watching the 80 year olds do the Boot Scootin Boogie to the live country music (help me I'm in hell)... As soon as we got there, I smelled something. I recognized that smell, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Could it be? I'll have to wait until we turn the corner. Oh... YES, YES, YES - it's a Kettle Korn booth!!!! But wait, is it crappy Kettle Korn like we found in Utah that doesn't have enough sugar to make a dent? Am I in for great disappointment? I better sample it first... Mmmmmmm, perfect, I'm in heaven. The country music stops playing and, in my head, I hear the chords of Guster ring out in my head and all is right with the world... for a while.

Wednesday

Today I went to see The Wedding Planner by myself while hubby was golfing. It was either that or See Spot Run. Have to wait for Chuck to go see The Mexican , he wants to see it too. The Wedding Planner was a typical unrealistic, predictable love story, but Matthew McConaughey made it more than bearable.

I also almost got ran over by the blue-hair cart guy at Publix. He had collected about four carts and proceeded to almost plow me over with the ton of steel he was pushing - definitely would have put me in the hospital... "What happened to you Tina?" "I got run over by grocery carts." Not a very compelling story, I'd have to make something else up... "I was in the water at the beach when I saw this fin. I thought it was a dolphin so I got closer. Aaaahh, it was a Great White shark coming right at me. He swam by me, then whipped away and as he turned, his tail plowed into me like a ton of steel. I was badly hurt and could barely tread water. He turned around and was coming back for me, I saw many, many teeth and thought I was going to be lunch when suddenly, out of no where, a dolphin charged up and rammed into the shark and scared him away. The dolphin came back, let me grab his fin and towed me to the beach. Then a young studly EMT gave me mouth to mouth, lifted me in his arms and put me into the ambulance and that's how I ended up in the hospital." Yep, that sounds a bit better.

So the old cart guy didn't even look at me, didn't even SEE me. Maybe I'm invisible and I didn't know it.

The "Vacation" Starts

Left for Florida a day early to beat the storm that was supposed to hit Rochester on Tuesday. Jetblue was a pretty impressive airline. Nice cushy leather seats, my own personal cable tv, Terra chips... nice. I couldn've done without the crew that seemed to be rejects from Open Mic Comedy Night, but it was still better than a bunch of holier-than-thou-five-pounds-of-makeup-nice-because-I-have-to-be people you usually get.

Haven't done much yet, though, in the strangest irony ever, I joined the fitness center for the week. At home I can't get off my butt to do anything remotely resembling exercise and now that I'm on vacation and I'm not supposed to get off my butt, I'm actually working out. My Father-in-law paid for the membership so, you know what that means, I HAVE to go. It's just not right.

For those of you who don't know, I'm in Florida at my inlaws who live in a retirement community. It's quite a culture change. In NY you have to be aware of your surroundings so you don't get mugged. In Florida you have to be aware of your surroundings so you don't get mowed down by an 80 year old blue hair who's in a big ass hurry to get the EXACT parking spot you're walking in front of.

I didn't even change out of my pajamas today. I wasn't a slug, I cleaned for a few hours and did a ton of laundry, but I did it all in my pj's.

At about 5pm, I became a slug... I plopped my butt down and started to watch TV. I watched High Fidelity (finally, thoroughly enjoyed it, Jack Black rocks). Cried to the end of "While You Were Sleeping", Bill Pullman looks pathetically cute in that movie. Snuck in some "Fashion Review of the Grammys". Joan Rivers is so damn annoying, but it's worth suffering through her monologues to hear her rip on celebrities. I might have to do to her what I used to do to Bob Sagat when I watched America's Funniest Home Videos: MUTE... At 10pm I had a dilemma. The second half of the season premier of the Sopranos was on at the same time as the new episode of Queer as Folk. Since I couldn't wait even another minute to see QAF, I taped the Sopranos and watched QAF.

I was having an oreo craving after seeing Sandra Bullock munching on them, so Chuck stopped by the store while on his walk and got me a bag of mini-oreos (it was all they had). I used the cheating chopsticks Jenny got me to dip my tiny little oreos in milk, they worked perfectly! Mmmmm...

I had to listen to the Nelly Furtado CD against my will. Chuck got it last night at Target, I think he bought it just to annoy me and it's working. I hate that damn bird song, she should adjust the words: "I eat like a bird, a strong breeze will make me fly away..."

Totally Contrived Island

I watched the final episode of Temptation Island the other night. Here's my brief summary:

Girl 1 when interviewed alone: I made a real connection with this other guy and hope to see him again. [oh yeah, she's gonna dump him]

Guy 1 when interviewed alone: I made a real connection with this other girl and hope to see her again. [oh yeah, he's gonna dump her]

[They come together, both have very serious grim looks on their faces.]

Guy 1 when together: I had a great time cheating on you and made a real emotional connection with someone else, but it just made me realize how much I love you. [totally contrived speech with plot twist]

Girl 1 when together: When I saw you in that hammock, I went crazy so I proceeded to make a real emotional connection with someone else but it only made my feelings for you stronger. [totally contrived speech with plot twist]

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug, cry, cry... Will you marry me? ... happy ending.

Girl 2 and Guy 2

Same as Girl and Guy 1 except more like this, "when I saw you stripping, I went crazy so I proceeded to got intimate with someone else but it only made my feelings for you stronger. "

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug, cry, cry... happy ending

Guy and Girl 3

Girl 3 when interviewed alone: I don't care what he did, I only hope that he has regrets. I'll just die if he dumps me. [very sad eyes]

Guy 3 when interviewed alone: I don't regret anything. Gettin' with those girls were two of the best days of my life. [oh no, he's going to dump her and she will be devastated!]

[They come together, both have very serious grim looks on their faces.]

Girl 3 when together: [reading from cheat sheet] I held back and resisted temptation because I love you so much. [VERY sad eyes]

Guy 3 when together: I had a great time cheating on you and made a real emotional connection with someone else, but it just made me realize how much I love you. [whoa, yet ANOTHER plot twist!]

Kiss, kiss, hug, hug, cry, cry... happy ending

I'll Have the Soup and a Dose of Reality

I think I worry myself and my friends with how easily I can go off and make up these delusional stories of interactions with celebrities. Some accuse me of stalking, but I don't really focus my attentions on any one celebrity, so it's definitely not stalking. (I use Ben as an example alot just for consistency). What does all this mean? What happened in my childhood to cause me to become obsessed with spotting celebrities? All questions for my therapist.

I do, however, feel compelled to do one future journal entry that has a bit more of a basis in reality, so here goes (still assuming that my brother has become a famous actor and Chuck and I have moved to LA to ride his coattails) :

July 22nd, 2004
At playgroup with the other parents again. I swear, Calista's little kid is such a bully - her nanny lets him get away with everything. Luckily, my kid is pretty tough for a 2 year old and doesn't take any shit. He's such a smarty, it's so funny to see him use reverse psychology on the other kids! Russell was actually at playgroup today, a pleasant surprise, he hadn't been there in weeks. He went on and on about how he and Meg share the responsibilities and how he wants to be an involved father. He even did the "gladiator fight" (AGAIN) for the older kids - they always ask for that. He wanted me to be his sparring partner this time but I chickened out, I still have problems with the "everyone is watching" situations.

Daniela’s Busted

Daniela wrote in her blog that she rented the movie An Affair of Love (Une Liaison d’Amour) and was "surprised" because she thought it was going to be mostly about sex. The thing she fails to point out is exactly that, she thought it was going to be mostly about sex. Ha!! Busted! =)

Mardi Gras

Saturday night Chuck and I went to Matt’s Mardi Gras party. It was fun. Jenny sums it up pretty well on her blog. I have to get that Samba De Amigo game – it was great excersise! It costs as much as a one year gym membership too, whew!

I got a good number of beads too, but no flashing, I did tell fortunes though. One girl’s fortune made it pretty clear that she’d be "taking care of her own business", if you know what I mean. I sounded like Dr. Ruth, "it’s a very normal thing"… hee hee.

Starring… Eddie A

Thursday I had to watch CSI again because my brother Eddie, the aspiring actor, got a part as an extra, playing a waiter. I painstakingly focussed on the TV… Was that his arm? Is that him in the brown vest? Ugh… a commercial… flick to Will & Grace… flick back… Oh My God, I think I missed 10 seconds worth – did I miss him? This went on for an hour and I didn’t see hide nor hair of Mr. Eddie Agoo (though he’ll always be Eddie Spaghetti to me). Turns out they showed the back of his head in the first 30 seconds of the show and I missed it completely. So the back of his head has now appeared in "America’s Most Wanted" and "CSI". I think Eddie is going to be the first professional "back of head" model. Directors and producers will see his work and go, "yeah, we want the back of that guys head, it’s perfect for our movie". Hey, as long as he gets bank, who cares? Seriously, I have all the faith in the world that my big brother will make it big and then guess what… yep, Tina gets to ride the coat tails and mingle daily with celebs.

In the distant future… an excerpt from my journal:

Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
Met Ben for coffee today, he had borrowed my digital camera and wanted to return it and buy me a latte. He showed me all the pictures of he and Matt and Gwyneth, said they missed me at the beach house. Ben’s so funny. I never thought I’d meet someone as wierd about food as me, but there he was, demanding that the Starbuck’s clerk pick all the nuts out of his Banana Nut muffin. I told him to just get the Lemon Poppyseed muffin but he wanted to give the girl a thrill. She would have been miffed at anyone else for the mere suggestion that she do something so demeaning, but for Ben she acted like he had asked her to marry him, she was so damn excited. I just sipped my latte and quietly ate my chocolate chip cookie.

Bellybutton Issues

At lunch today, somehow the topic of bellybuttons came up. The mere mention of a bellybutton (the word in general), makes me have to pee - it actually causes a physical reaction. Touching it is 10 times worse, I feel it directly, well, um... down there. Jenny was quite amused by this revelation and proceeded to mention the word "bellybutton" many times over, seemingly enjoying the horror she was evoking in me. She thought it was psychological, relating to me the story that her Mom told her - 'don't play with your bellybutton, it will put air in your stomach and make you sick'. Nope, the psychological implications of bellybutton issues is a whole other can of worms. Mine's just strictly physical.

I've met a couple other people who claim the same. So my questions now are: do some people have a direct link from their bellybutton to their urethra? How common is this phenomenon? Is it all psychosematic? Am I a freak? Time to do some research...

So now YOU probably have a question: How do I clean my bellybutton? Aaaarrrggghhh, the mere thought of it... must go pee... I'm afraid if I looked in my bellybutton I'd find a family of dust bunnies hanging out, enjoying some tea. That's all I can say on the subject, I have to run to the ladies room now.

QAF

Though I was still sick this weekend, I seemed to do a lot. Friday night was a bust, zonked out on the couch by 10:30, didn't make it to the Bug Jar for Tony's rave, bummer, heard it was great.

Saturday finally had Thai food at The King and I. Quite yummy. Will be going back. Took my little brother to lunch there, he turned 21 on Saturday. Seems like just yesterday I was keeping him from peeing on himself and plucking freckles off of his face. He was one of the cutest little kids ever - curly red hair, freckles, a sweet innocence about him. Now he has an evil clown tattooed on his back (he's a huge ICP fan), tattoos on his arms, a pierced tongue and pierced nipples - how's that for a change! The weirdest part about it though is that he dresses normal and works as a salesman at a carpet store. I guess he's a closet freak, either that or he's already grown out of it. He didn't go out Friday night because he said he had to work at 10am. I said, "you're only 21 - you should be out until 9am, go home, shower, and stumble into work at 10am!" I'm such a good influence, aren't I?

So Saturday night I popped in a tape my Mom let me borrow - it had four episodes of a new series on Showtime called "Queer as Folk". My sister and my Mom had been raving about how great it was, but I didn't have Showtime and wasn't about to fork over more money to the cable company. My cable bill is already more expensive than a car payment!. It's like Sex in the City only with gay and lesbians. I was up until 3:30am watching one after another - I couldn't get enough. Sunday night I gave in and signed up for Showtime so I could watch Queer as Folk. I actually got a good deal, 8 more channels for $6. I should just quit my job and watch TV all day. Of course then I couldn’t afford my cable bill. Oh well.

Sadness

This post is really from April, 2001, after finding out that Noel's Dad had died, but I just couldn't bring myself to put all of this out there, so I'm hiding it back here, on Dad's birthday.

I could relate to Noel on one level, losing a Dad so young (my Dad was 46), but on another level, things were very, very different. I lost my Dad very slowly and while I had time to accept the fact he was going to leave us, my last memories are of him suffering, changing, leaving. My Dad died almost 10 years ago, on Mother's Day in 1991... three weeks before my wedding. Sometimes I can barely stand to think about it, it sounds like such a painful set of circumstances, yet somehow I got through my wedding without shedding a tear. I know how I did it... two things... my Dad had lived in Las Vegas up until a month before he died, so I went into a pretty strong subconscious denial that he was actually gone... I kind of believed he was just still in Vegas. I also told myself over and over that Dad wouldn't want me to be sad on my wedding day, he wouldn't want me to cry, he'd want me to be happy. So I made it through. My brother Eddie was a wreck, he had lived with Dad in Vegas for many years. He couldn't do the "still in Vegas" denial. I don't think anyone realized how deeply he was hurting. I regret not realizing Eddie's pain. I regret having my Stepdad walk me down the aisle. I regret not making more mention of my Dad (though I knew I couldn't or I would have lost it). I regret that we didn't get to dance to "Daddy's Little Girl". I have regrets, but I also have alot of joy and happy memories.

Looking back I am amazed at the strength I found in myself when my Dad was sick. We found out in January that he had lung cancer and I kept insisting that he come back to NY for treatment. He procrastinated, mainly because he was sicker than he let on and he didn't have the energy to travel. Finally, in April, he said he would come home, but when he went to the doctor the next day, they admitted him to the hospital. When I found out, I immediately bought a ticket to Vegas, spent four days with him in the hospital, got his doctors to clear him for travel, then bought him a ticket to come home with me, and we came back to NY together. My Grandma took care of him for about a week, then he went into the hospital for 3 weeks before he passed away. I remember going to work, then going to aerobics (to get in shape for my wedding), then going to the hospital... almost evry day. One day, I got off the elevator and heard this terrible moaning. It sounded like Dad, so I rushed to his room. It was him, moaning away, and just as I was about to get very upset at his suffering, he stopped, looked up and said, "why am I moaning so much?". Turned out the morphine was making him moan, not any pain. I laugh about it now.

I remember that the day of his memorial service, the weather was unbelievably beautiful. It seemed like a sign that everything was all right, he was happy and no longer suffering. Ten years later it's still hard to accept, it still hurts, it's easier in some ways yet more difficult in others. My Dad was a unique individual and I hope I never forget the qualities that made him special.

I’m Baaacckkk

[Updated 2.16]

Back from Utah today, had a great time, doh I fink I caught a code, ab feeling a bit sick even doh I got the immunity boost in my Jamba Juice yesterday. Between dat and my tongue injury, I’b talking bery funny.

Day 1
Traveling. Sleeping on the plane, mouth wide open, drooling. Read a copy of Glamour magazine, which I can now verify is a sex magazine disguised as a fashion magazine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Evening 1
Dinner with Jenny, Tony, Tim and Mike at Zona Rosa, yummy food. Cruising around in the blazer. Blazer’s have a display that shows you the temperature outside. We watched it go lower and lower as we drove higher and higher (down to ZERO). Tim says, "I don’t see why, I HAVE the heat on." Must be the altitude.

Day 2
Snowboarding at Snowbird with Jenny, Tony, Tim and Mike. But first we get JAMBA JUICE (JJ) (smoothies). I get a Jamba Powerboost and it turns out to be a little chunk of heaven. Great, yet another food item to be addicted to! The problem is, can’t get them in or anywhere NEAR Rochester. I now have 2 choices: hop on a plane or open my own franchise. I’m seriously considering the latter.

Aaaah, I fall off the lift EVERY time!! Add in a couple more falls on the hill. Lots of falling leaf. Hill is a bit icy. Jenny’s legs hurt, mine don’t (yet). I wonder about myself, "Am I doing it wrong?" Jenny wonders about herself (direct quote), "Am I a Fatty McButterpants?" I almost mow down a little kid while getting off the lift. Mark one on my scorecard. Jenny hurts her ankle, we decide that 3 hours is enough for us, head back. Hot tub calls my name. Day 1 of Advil dependency.

Evening 2
Dinner with Jenny, Tony, Tim, Mike, Joel, and Lara at US Prime Steak house. Mmmm, Filet Mignon. As much as I don’t like the concept of eating animals, I certainly LOVE the taste. Lara tells funny yet disgusting medical stories. I love funny and I love disgusting, they go great together, like peanut butter and chocolate. Pop more Advil.

Day 3
Advil for breakfast. Great conversation with Lara over breakfast while others are at the conference, I’m glad she’s here. More JJ and an Einstein Brothers Bagel, mmmmm, tastebuds dance. Snowboarding at Park City with Jenny, Joel and Lara. Park City’s lift is wonderful, very flat, no falling today, only "controlled stops". Oh yeah, the thighs start burning today. I say, "I guess I’m doing it right today." Jenny says, "I guess I’m not a Fatty McButterpants." Jenny is carving now, looking damn good on that board! Jenny and I discuss our motives for snowboarding and admit that we just want to be cool and say, in a slightly snooty tone, "oh yeah, we’re SNOWBOARDERS".

After riding, we stop at JJ for "lunch". Jenny and I attempt to justify the 6000 calories in each smoothie by splitting a Kiwi-berry Burner, which they describe as "boosted to promote healthy weight", however, they don’t say if that means to help you GAIN or LOSE weight. We assume that they must mean lose, of course. No matter that it has 10000 calories. More Advil please.

Evening 3
Early dinner with Jenny, Tony, Joel and Lara at Meditteraneo, basically a very swanky Pizza place. Yummy though. Jenny and I share food, as we’ve been doing often, and earn the nickname "Jenina" from Lara and Joel. While Jenny, Joel and Tony go back for the evening session of the conference, Lara and I do some shopping. Lara feeds her Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory Caramel Apple habit. Jenny’s ankle is turning funny colors, but she swears it feels ok. Can you say, "Advil?"

Day 4
I’m so thrilled to hear Jenny say those magic words, "let’s take today off." Woo hoo! I mean, I’m loving the snowboarding but my thighs can only take so much (book comment). Einstein brothers and JJ for breakfast again - still heaven. Shop, shop, shop. I drop some cash at Mountain Body buying bath products, Jenny spends twice as much. I begin to wonder if Jenny has a B.O.fobia, but I know she doesn’t, yummy smelling stuff just warms her heart.

Stop in to a shop called Queen of Arts. Meet "Tea Girl". She looks like Su but she’s very strange and doesn’t appear to have bathed in some time. She makes us "special tea". Jenny and I are giddy the rest of the day, we’re convinced Tea Girl drugged us.

Tony hurt his knee today, that sucks royal. No more snowboarding on this trip, though I don’t think he’s too bothered because at this point he’s more interested in Cheese (our nickname for his new friend Brie – very nice, very beautiful, very interested-in-him friend) than snowboarding. How about some Advil with that cheese?

Evening 4
Go to the conference dinner with Tony and Jenny - cheesecake for dessert but Tony won’t eat any, too early in the year. For some reason I find it highly amusing to watch Tony eat cheesecake, perhaps because it’s the only time he has his mouth closed for more than 5 seconds. Tony wanders off to get some Cheese. Jenny and I can’t help but joke. We call her various types of cheese, but decide that she’s way too classy to be called Velveeta, then Jenny says, "yep, she’s no Easy Cheese" – we almost throw up from laughing so hard. Jenny draws "the finger" on a napkin so we can flip Tony off. After a failed attempt to use her own hand as a model (I point out that it will be backward), I have to model. I feel bad flipping Jenny off, but it’s all in the name of art.

As we’re sitting there laughing to the point of tears, a guy pops in a video of The Burning Man festival. More naked people than Woodstock! I don’t know if it’s just me, but I don’t find flailing penises the least bit attractive. All I can think is, "strap that thing down." As for the naked women, I think, "when they’re down to your knees, you’ll regret all that naked dancing you did when they were perky." We all have an Advil nightcap.

Day 5
See Day 3 only today we go to The Canyons. We get to ride the Gondola, the view is spectacular. The Canyons are so poorly marked, Jenny and I almost end up taking the lift to the Snowboarding Park – you know, the kind with a picnic table you ride over. Serious injury would have ensued. A guy with a Krispy Kreme box directs us away just in the nick of time, unknowingly saving our lives. Then we end up having to slide down this little hill on our snowboards to get to the "actual" lift. Luckily it was fun and prevented us from getting pissed that the place was so poorly marked.

Guess who I see in the ski shop up on the hill? Tea Girl!! How freaky is that. She barely remembers me but tells me that she quit her job at Queen of Arts. Jenny and I assume that we inspired her to do what makes her happy.

Finally up on the hill snowboarding. Getting off the lift is hell again, many falls. Legs are sore again. I yell over to Jenny, "My legs are going to be as strong as…" (quick wit kicks into action) "something with really strong legs." Damn that altitude. We laugh very hard. A ski instructor begs us to take two of his kids on the lift with us. They turn out to be 7 year old smartass punks – Tims in Training. I resist the urge to give them a smackdown, but manage to make them fall while getting off the lift. Oops. Mark two more on my scorecard. I actually do some turns, there are some real flat areas that make it easier. I’m getting much better but I really need another lesson. Pain from falling while getting off the lift causes me to feel that I’ve gotten my fill of snowboarding for this trip. Advil, it’s like candy I tell ya.


Evening 5
Dinner with Jenny, Joel and Lara at the Irish Camel, a mexican food place, of course! Ice cream at Cow, Chocolate Chocolate Chip, just yummy! With ice cream breath we head to Tony's presentation on Corporate America. It is educational yet very funny. Tony should be in show business, not in web design. Not to say he's a sucky designer, he's a great designer, he's just so witty that the whole world should be able to enjoy it. Top off the evening with a beer with Mike and Tim, they've been scarce this trip and I'm sure it's because I'm so annoying. Find out how Mike came to live in Alaska - very interesting. I always wish I'd just up and travelled. Ah, regrets. Luckily few and far between for me.

Day 6
Again I celebrate as Jenny decides we've had enough snowboarding. She and Tony and I hang together, grab food, then head out to Robert Redford's Sundance farms. We're sure Rob will be there. On the way we pass a field with a fuzzy little donkey hanging out. Jenny and I christen him "Lill Ass" and set the stage for the scenario that Tony is his long lost father. Jenny does a great imitation... picture this... a slight British accent... "Father? Is that you Father? I knew you'd come for me one day." Jenny and I are rolling! Now all we have to do to bug Tony is say, "Father?" Works like a charm. Jenny refuses to believe that Sundance Farms could be so small, so we drive for a while, then go back. We buy soap - sure that it was handmade by Rob himself. We pet the horses. Tony sleeps in the truck then later laments at not getting to pet the horses. We hit Cow again, as yummy as before. We drop Tony off then Jenny and I do some serious shopping at the Outlet shops. Banana Republic outlet brings us great joy and bargains. We celebrate with Advil.

Evening 6
Last evening, we go for Italian - just me, Jenny and Tony. Again, Tim and Mike opt to be antisocial. Jenny and Tony grab dessert at Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. I shop up to the last minute. My bonus find is a huge pair of purple women's underwear with the words "Experts Only" and two black double diamonds printed on the butt - on sale for 95 cents! They all but have Tony's name spelled out on them. I give them to him, we all crack up.

Day 7
Time to go home. Jenny, Tony and I head to JJ and Einstein Bros. one last time. We almost cry when saying bye to Jamba Juice, it's a very sad thing. I get an immunity boost in my Banana Berry Jamba because I'm starting to feel stuffy. Everything is delayed, we get home way late. It's cold and crappy in Rochester, looks like I'll need some Advil to cheer me up.

Bad Blogger

I've been bad, haven't blogged in quite a while. That's because last time I was blogging I had a very witty little ditty typed up when, BAM, gone. I can only be that witty when Saturn is aligned with Jupiter's 5th moon.

What's been going on in my life? Not much.

- Hubby is shrinking, lost 22 pounds and is becoming overly concerned with his fashion choices. Hmmm, what should I think about that?

- I was eating healthy, lost a couple pounds, then, BAM!! Off the wagon. All it took was half a krispy kreme, that led to pizza, smarties, coca cola, and the ultimate sin, chicken wings. We had a Pancake brunch at work today where I ate about 8 pancakes. When my friend Mike came to have lunch with me, I lamented how full I was and couldn't eat a thing because I just ate 95 pancakes. We get to the Empire, I get chicken wings so I don't feel wierd not ordering anything, I think, "I'll just eat a couple and save the rest to bring home." Well, I gobbled down those 12 chicken wings like it was the last supper. I underestimated the power of my... stomach, tastebuds, psychological addiction to food...

- I am going to Utah tomorrow to hang with the clan that I work with (Jenny, Joel and Lara, Tony, Tim, and Mike). Will be snowbarding. Got a really cool pair of red snowboarding pants. I will be easy to spot on the slopes. I hope I don't break anything or do any permanent damage. I hope I get time to shop. I hope I get trapped on the ski lift with Russell Crowe (a girl can dream, can't she?).

So I'll be off blogger for another week, then I just hope I have a Blogger to come back to!!

Cheers!

Clean as a Whistle

Get ready for it, the "First Major Toilet Paper Innovation in over 100 Years". Yes, debuting this week, "Cottonelle Fresh™ Rollwipes — America's first and only dispersible, pre-moistened wipe on a roll."



I don't know what shocks me more, the fact that toilet paper NEEDS to change or the fact that it hasn't changed AT ALL in so many years. I think that until now, toilet paper has been the antithesis of the personal computer. All that's over now. First pre-moistened, what'll be next, exfoliating? "For a youthful looking...", err, I won't even go there.

Bunny Hugger Blunder

As many of you may know, my friend Jenny loves bunnies. She had a beloved pet bunny (R.I.P. Bunny) whom she misses very much and she collects all things bunny related. She is a true bunny hugger. I am also a great lover of animals. I sob when I see roadkill, imagining the suffering and pain endured. Emergency Vets sets me off like a faucet. My doggie and kittie (Grizz and Punky) get big kisses when I get home. I have deer whistles on my car for their sake more than mine. I used to volunteer as an educator at the zoo. I love those sweet little fuzzy faces and don't want to bring them any harm. That is, unless I'm hungry, then the story changes slightly.

Anyway, last week I lost my gloves and, being that it's still DAMN COLD here, had to dig out another pair. The only thing I found was a pair of rabbit-fur-lined mittens my Mom had gotten me a couple years ago for Christmas. I didn't want to offend my Mom, but I was horrified, so I kept them but never wore them. Until now. I really didn't have much of a choice and, as much as I hate to admit it, they are toasty warm. Well Jenny got a glimpse of them today and the look on her face was crushing. She said, "heeeyyyy" and, after grabbing at them, "those feel familiar."

I'm sorry Jenny, but don't feel bad, they just shaved the little guys and then sent them on their way. Glued the fur into the gloves. Yep, I read it on the tag, yeah, that's how they make 'em.

I'm on My Way

Jenny added to my list of diets and listed the Intestinal Flu Diet. I found out today that hubby has four (count 'em - FOUR!!) coworkers who contracted some kind of stomach bug and had 2 days of, well, lets just say, expulsion of bodily fluids from various orifices.

My first thought, "did they lose weight???" My second thought, "Honey, can you inhale deeply near a couple of them, then come home for a make out session?" I'll be thin and fabulous in a mere 2 days.

Pleasure and Pain

I went snowboarding yesterday. First time this year, went twice last year. Got instruction from Tony, he's a great teacher, very patient. Got encouragement from Andy, he waited and waited, and didn't complain even the tiniest bit.

It went like this: ooooh, fun... fun, fun, fun... OW! fun, fun, fun... intense fear of getting off the lift... OW, OW, OW ** stars and birdies **... concusion? Don't think so. Back up, Fun, fun... heel side is easy, getting the hang of this... fun, fun, fun. What? Toe side? Do I have to Tony? Ok... OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TOO FAAASSSTTT... OW OW! Try a turn, WOW, I DID IT, can't turn back though, AAAHH, boom - OW, OW, OW. Back to heel side, slow and easy... Fun, fun, fun!

Today, it's like this: OW, OW, OW... pain everywhere... neck, shoulder blade, wrist, calves, shoulders, legs, OW, OW, OW. Feel like I got hit by a bus. Hmmm, perhaps I am feelin the burn... losing weight? Wonder when I can go again!

Diets for the New Millenium

Jenny and I were talking at lunch yesterday and, in our own warped way, realized that there is some uncharted territory in the realm of fad diets. Here are a few we thought could be the next hot new thing.
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The Mt. Everest Diet

Climb Mount Everest and subsist on freeze-dried food and water. Lose ALL your body fat and then lose some of your muscle tissue too. Heck, while you're at it, you might even lose some bone density - every pound counts. If you survive, you will be thin and fabulous!

Inspired by the book "Into Thin Air" (Jenny)
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The For-My-Art Diet

Become an actor and star in a movie where you have to drop a bunch of weight in a short period of time to portray a person stranded on a desert island for 4 years. You will be praised for your conviction to your art and for dropping weight faster than Calista Flockhart after a cheeto-fest. You'll be thin and fabulous as you go up to collect your Oscar.

Inspired by Tom Hanks.
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The Braces Diet

Have an orthodontist turn you into metal mouth and within hours all those yummy fattening treats will be too painful to eat. You'll survive on soup and mini-pancakes for weeks. When you walk your size 2 into a room, your smile will light the way. You'll be thin and fabulous.

Inspired by Jo - she looks great!
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