Life Sucks

Nightime... the worst... sadness increases 10-fold... on top of it all, tonight I have more to be sad about.

First, it's Halloween, the first holiday of the "holiday season"... the first holiday without Mom. It may seem silly to miss Mom on Halloween, but she loved Halloween... every year she'd put on this silly indian mask to make us laugh... she'd get candy for anyone and everyone... she'd send a Halloween card with scratch-off lottery tickets in it. If her presence is so missed at Halloween, how am I going to get through Thanksgiving and... ugh, I can barely say it...Christmas? Not to mention her Birthday, which is this Sunday... she would have been only 57.

And the other tragedy occuring in my life... my cat is deteriorating rapidly. He has Chronic Kidney Failure and is in rough shape. He's anemic, his pupils are very dilated and he will only eat if we put the food right up to his nose. I realize he's a senior citizen, but I just can't bear to see him so sick... the Vet says he isn't suffering... but I'm not so sure. I think there may be some options, but they may only give him more 'weeks', not even 'months'... I just can't bear to think about it any more right now. I'll find out more from the Vet tomorrow morning...

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Music is a powerful thing. Many songs take on much more significance when you've lost someone special.

This Oasis song "Stop Crying Your Heart Out", which before Mom died was just a catchy toon that seemed to be about self-pity, now takes on new meaning. It makes me feel as if the song was being sung to her as she was dying (from heart problems), with her family standing around her hospital bed... here are the main lyrics:

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

Better Living Through Chemistry

No, I haven't taken to drugs (just wanted to share a good article)... though the thought did cross my mind (prescription drugs). Instead, my brother Eddie gave me a great pep talk as to why I don't need them. He told me I was a very strong person and pointed out some of the shit I've lived through... and he's right... even if most of the time I feel fragile and sensitive, when I have to be, I can be strong. I attribute that to Mom.

So back to the Chemistry stuff... I'm a Beauty Product Nerd and, in particular, interested in anything and everything having to do with hair... and found this cool article:
Better Hair through Chemistry

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Yelli today. Welcome to my thirtysomething world.

Not so Fast

Ok, the healing may have begun, but it's going SLOW. I just can't believe she's gone, it's a physical pain. I want to stop my brain from working... to stop thinking of regrets and the horror of what I saw in the hospital.

I regret that we didn't at least entertain her worry that she could die (even though the Doctors made it sound about as risky as getting tonsils out). I regret that we didn't spend every waking moment with her before she went in to surgery. I would love more than anything to have had words of comfort - from her - to replay over and over in my head... instead of those other thoughts. I regret not telling the Doctor to treat her as though she was VP Dick Cheney... or David Letterman.. or HIS OWN mother. Would it have made a difference? I tend to think so.

The book I'm reading, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" has alot of poems in it... and one struck me... it explains exactly how I feel...

I found
in you
a home.

Your departure
left me a
Shelterless Victim
of a
Major Disaster.

I called the
Red Cross,
but they
refused to
send over
a nurse.

The Healing Begins

It's still so painful, I can't believe she's gone. I never realized how much joy I got out of telling my Mom about my life. Things don't seem as meaningful without Mom to tell and be proud of me... I hope that will change with time.

I know she wouldn't want me to be moping around sad... she'd probably do a silly dance to cheer me up... problem is, Mom is probably the only one who truly could cheer me up at a time like this.

Her funeral was so sad, but there were funny moments too. A coworker of hers read from a collection of memories put together by himself and others who worked with her. It made us laugh through our tears, but that would be what Mom wanted - people laughing at her funeral.

My favorite was from a coworker who recalled - while very pregnant - complaining about how big her belly was getting... my Mom replied, "the only thing that gets bigger on me is my ass". Hee, hee... very "Mom".

All her coworkers were very sad. They said she was more than a coworker, she was a friend. She'd always ask about their families. She knew all their husbands/wives/kids names and, if they didn't have kids, she knew their pets' names...

My blog will probably be pathetic (if existent) for quite a while... but hopefully it will be funny too, as I recall many of the things that made my Mom so wonderful.

Heartbroken

Mom's gone. Sunday, October 6th... she couldn't fight any more.

I'm heartbroken. Not sure how to get through each day.

Someday, when it's a little easier, I may post about things that made my Mom such a special person, but right now it's too painful.

It's too painful to laugh. It's too painful to be.

I think I am going to stop posting about Mom. It seems that just when things are looking up, bad things happen. The latest is that she has pulmonary hypertension, i.e., her lungs aren't working right and making it hard to get oxygen to her other organs.

More miracles are needed at this point.

Her lungs seemed a little better today and she was a bit more alert... that was good.

Mom has beaten death before (in 1970, when she was 25, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease... they told my Dad and Gram that she had 3 months to live... she came back to Rochester and got a new form of radiation they had just started doing at Strong Hospital... and 5 years later, was considered "cured") and I pray she has the strength to do it again.

I cannot think about what might happen though, good or bad. I have to focus on the fact that she's still alive (even if it is machines that are the reason for that) and that she is fighting with everything she's got.

Mom is slowly improving. Back from the brink, I pray. I think she's going to have an I-could-see-myself-on-the-hospital-bed-from-above-then-started-down-a-tunnel-with-a-bright-light-at-the-end-and-saw-your-Dad-and-he-told-me-to-go-back-because-it-wasnt-my-time story to tell. Like Nikki Sixx... but not from a self-induced dose of heroin.

Still not "out of the woods" as the Dr.s say, but also "nothing short of a miracle".

I'm afraid my level of relief is unchanged until she becomes coherent again... A blink on command will be as if she's won a gold medal. I will be overjoyed.

Mom had some serious setbacks since my last post... blood clot, heart failure, liver failure, kidney failure... she's on every machine imaginable - a heart pump, a dialysis machine, a respirator... she's hanging on by a thread... but she IS hanging on. I think that thoughts of Mya (her new granddaughter, my new niece) are keeping her going.

It is heartbreaking and torturous... mixed with hope, faith, and small miracles.

I hope no one ever has to know what it's like to go through this.

My Mom is so special. She's strong and she's fighting for her life.

She's my inspiration.

Mom Update #3

Finally... some good news. Mom came off sedation today and responded well. She still can't talk, ventilator is still in, but communicated by blinking her eyes and nodding her head. She's definitely aware of who we are and what's going on - and that was a major concern. Tomorrow - when her Dr. is back - they should take out the ventilator and then she's "over the hump" - as the Dr. says.

Yesterday was a trying day, they kept her sedated all day... but obviously they know what they're doing, because it seemed to be just what she needed.

Mom Update #2

Things aren't going as well as we'd hoped with Mom - not out of danger, but indications are that she's improving slowly. They expect to keep her sedated and on the ventilator for the next couple days. It's hard to see your Mom like that. Funny thing is, I know if she were aware, she'd be more worried about everyone else than herself. The good news is that her heart appears to be functioning well.

I was supposed to leave for Germany today for Photokina, but just as I was getting ready to leave, she seemed to be doing a bit worse. So I delayed my flight until Sunday - not that I can do a damn thing, but just for my own peace of mind. Mom would tell me to go, but I need more of a warm fuzzy to be able to go and function like a human. I don't think I've ever felt more stress and worry in my life. My Mom is such a loving, fun and funny person and I'd be lost without her.

The nurses said that her surgery was the worst they'd seen in over a month but the doctor said that for what she's been through, she's doing great... So we just wait and hope and pray for better days.

Mom Update

Mom came through surgery after a couple complications. Turns out they had to replace 3 valves... then she had some bleeding after the fact so they had to keep her in OR longer. She is doing better this morning than yesterday... in Guarded condition rather than Critical... so things are looking up.

All your thoughts and prayers are appreciated. I'm off to see her now.

Guns N Noses?

This is supposed to be Axl Rose. I didn't believe it at first, but the picture was on E! online - wouldn't they verify their info before posting a pic of some freak posing as Axl? What the hell happened to him? He looks nothing like the Axl of old. Are his eyebrows gone? He looks bizarre. What the hell happened to him????

Ooh One More

Oh my God, I almost forgot (Jenny had to remind me) - we also saw Sharon Stone in Toronto... Very close up... hopping in to her limo... 2 feet away... she's stunning!

Speaking of Toffee

Toffee is the main ingredient in a Heath Bar. Heath Ledger was in Toronto. Heath Ledger passed me on the escalator. I was within 3 feet of him for about 2 seconds. Before my brain registered that it was him, he was gone. For some reason, my initial thought was that it could be David Beckham. This moment of unclarity was caused by the fact that D.B. had been plastered all over every paper and magazine in UK and, with the VERY short hair, they actually look kinda similar, don't ya think?.


David Beckham

But then I realized it was Heath - about 5 seconds too late. He just slid in the side door, up the escalator, flanked by security, looking down the whole time. I sent Jenny to the restroom (which was up the escalator) but by the time she got there, gone.

Sure, Chuck get's checked out by Tim Curry in the lobby of the Four Seasons, but I can't even get a glimpse of an eyeball. Still, it was cool.

Aaron also spotted Michael Caine waiting for the elevator (by himself, wheeling his own luggage). The elevator took forever and by the time it came, the crowd that had gathered around him (and chatted with him) all piled in and M.C. had to cram into the elevator with all these schmos who got there much after him. Inconsiderate!

We may also have seen Lauren Holly, but not sure it was her. And I'm pretty sure I saw the guy from E! channel. We missed Salma Hayek by mere moments, which didn't seem to phase Jenny until I pointed out that S.M. may equal Edward Norton. Then her eyes lit up... But alas, not to be this weekend... but there's always next weekend.

Ketchup

Been away so long...

Went to London, loved it. Walked a ton but still gained 5 lbs. So on that note and since my blog IS The "Daily Bite", I'll start by talking about the food I had...

• a Brie and Bacon sandwhich at the Hog in the Pound Pub (their bacon is like our ham)
  
• lots and lots of chips (I ate more fries in 2 weeks than in the previous 2 months here)
  
• a yummy pizza at Pizza Express, which is actually a pretty fancy little place
  
• a Banana Sundae - with yummy crunchy little merengue chips in it
  
• many Mocha Frappucinos
  
• a heavenly plate of Gnocchi drowning in cheese
  

Went to Edinburgh, Scotland for a weekend. Visited Edinburgh Castle and walked the Royal Mile. Gorgeous! Scotland is VERY VERY green... more memorable food...

• Jenny shared a dessert that I think was a little cake covered in toffee sauce with baked toffee on top - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - I almost ate it all before she could. I love toffee!!!!
  

Went to Paris the last weekend. Lots of very beautiful sights, a little more difficult to get around than London, but definitely had a good time and some good food...

• the best coffee I've every had... with warm milk... and many sugar cubes, mmmm
  
• that tasty baguette with butter and jelly each morning
  
• the butter and cinnamon crepe... I wish I'd had a few more... I'd go back just for the Crepes!
  
• the fruit tart from Fauchon - it was the kind of dessert that makes you realize how good life can be
  

Yes, it was a wonderful trip. Great friends, great food, great sights, great times.

Y'knowhattamean?

On the internet at Tower Records in Picadilly Square in London. Trip so far is great. Been to Scotland and have been seeing the sights in London. Jenny is an excellent tour coordinator! Heading for Paris on Friday.

However, the interesting story comes from the trip from Rochester to Pittsburgh. One of those leetle planes - seats about 20 - two seats on one side, one on the other. Jenny and I were sitting together and Chuck was just across the aisle. A man of about 400lbs was milling about waiting for another passenger to move from his seat. He then was in the way of others trying to get by and squeezed his way into my seat to get out of the way. Yes, his 400lb ass was right directly in my face. I had to lean WAAAAAYYYY over to Jenny so as not to have my face touching his enormous ass. I honestly thought he was going to sit on me, so I politely pleaded, "be careful, be careful". Not for him to be careful not to hurt himself, but to be careful not to crush me! Worst part about it, he didn't even apologize or say excuse me. I'm scarred for life.

The Enabler

Jenny writes of me being an enabler for buying her the kitty purse shown here. But in her blog, she leaves out the fact that I owe her and Aaron a huge debt of gratitute for not only inviting us to England, but handling all the plotting and planning for while we're there.

It was a small token of my appreciation for all the wonderful things Jenny does for me!!!!

We also got Aaron a man purse yesterday. The guy told me that in NYC, you don't see a man without a man purse. It really makes sense - everyone, regardless of gender - has STUFF to carry. You can only fill your cargo pants so full before you start to look like MC Hammer.

Heath Bar

Jenny is beginning the annual plotting and planning for the Toronto International Film Festival. This will be our third year. We enjoy the films, the shopping and the celeb-spotting (my favorite pastime) - read more about it in my archives.

This year, there will be a nice collection of hunks available for our viewing (hopefully in person) pleasure. Edward Norton will be there and Jenny is quite fond of him as he appeared in Keeping the Faith (not necessarily in any other film).

Heath Ledger will be there, who I have a soft spot for since watching him in his unknown days on the drama series "Roar" where he played a Celtic warrior prince. Mmm. I remember thinking, "that guy will be a big star someday". Aren't I perceptive.