Life Sucks

Nightime... the worst... sadness increases 10-fold... on top of it all, tonight I have more to be sad about.

First, it's Halloween, the first holiday of the "holiday season"... the first holiday without Mom. It may seem silly to miss Mom on Halloween, but she loved Halloween... every year she'd put on this silly indian mask to make us laugh... she'd get candy for anyone and everyone... she'd send a Halloween card with scratch-off lottery tickets in it. If her presence is so missed at Halloween, how am I going to get through Thanksgiving and... ugh, I can barely say it...Christmas? Not to mention her Birthday, which is this Sunday... she would have been only 57.

And the other tragedy occuring in my life... my cat is deteriorating rapidly. He has Chronic Kidney Failure and is in rough shape. He's anemic, his pupils are very dilated and he will only eat if we put the food right up to his nose. I realize he's a senior citizen, but I just can't bear to see him so sick... the Vet says he isn't suffering... but I'm not so sure. I think there may be some options, but they may only give him more 'weeks', not even 'months'... I just can't bear to think about it any more right now. I'll find out more from the Vet tomorrow morning...

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Music is a powerful thing. Many songs take on much more significance when you've lost someone special.

This Oasis song "Stop Crying Your Heart Out", which before Mom died was just a catchy toon that seemed to be about self-pity, now takes on new meaning. It makes me feel as if the song was being sung to her as she was dying (from heart problems), with her family standing around her hospital bed... here are the main lyrics:

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of us stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

Better Living Through Chemistry

No, I haven't taken to drugs (just wanted to share a good article)... though the thought did cross my mind (prescription drugs). Instead, my brother Eddie gave me a great pep talk as to why I don't need them. He told me I was a very strong person and pointed out some of the shit I've lived through... and he's right... even if most of the time I feel fragile and sensitive, when I have to be, I can be strong. I attribute that to Mom.

So back to the Chemistry stuff... I'm a Beauty Product Nerd and, in particular, interested in anything and everything having to do with hair... and found this cool article:
Better Hair through Chemistry

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Yelli today. Welcome to my thirtysomething world.

Not so Fast

Ok, the healing may have begun, but it's going SLOW. I just can't believe she's gone, it's a physical pain. I want to stop my brain from working... to stop thinking of regrets and the horror of what I saw in the hospital.

I regret that we didn't at least entertain her worry that she could die (even though the Doctors made it sound about as risky as getting tonsils out). I regret that we didn't spend every waking moment with her before she went in to surgery. I would love more than anything to have had words of comfort - from her - to replay over and over in my head... instead of those other thoughts. I regret not telling the Doctor to treat her as though she was VP Dick Cheney... or David Letterman.. or HIS OWN mother. Would it have made a difference? I tend to think so.

The book I'm reading, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" has alot of poems in it... and one struck me... it explains exactly how I feel...

I found
in you
a home.

Your departure
left me a
Shelterless Victim
of a
Major Disaster.

I called the
Red Cross,
but they
refused to
send over
a nurse.

The Healing Begins

It's still so painful, I can't believe she's gone. I never realized how much joy I got out of telling my Mom about my life. Things don't seem as meaningful without Mom to tell and be proud of me... I hope that will change with time.

I know she wouldn't want me to be moping around sad... she'd probably do a silly dance to cheer me up... problem is, Mom is probably the only one who truly could cheer me up at a time like this.

Her funeral was so sad, but there were funny moments too. A coworker of hers read from a collection of memories put together by himself and others who worked with her. It made us laugh through our tears, but that would be what Mom wanted - people laughing at her funeral.

My favorite was from a coworker who recalled - while very pregnant - complaining about how big her belly was getting... my Mom replied, "the only thing that gets bigger on me is my ass". Hee, hee... very "Mom".

All her coworkers were very sad. They said she was more than a coworker, she was a friend. She'd always ask about their families. She knew all their husbands/wives/kids names and, if they didn't have kids, she knew their pets' names...

My blog will probably be pathetic (if existent) for quite a while... but hopefully it will be funny too, as I recall many of the things that made my Mom so wonderful.

Heartbroken

Mom's gone. Sunday, October 6th... she couldn't fight any more.

I'm heartbroken. Not sure how to get through each day.

Someday, when it's a little easier, I may post about things that made my Mom such a special person, but right now it's too painful.

It's too painful to laugh. It's too painful to be.

I think I am going to stop posting about Mom. It seems that just when things are looking up, bad things happen. The latest is that she has pulmonary hypertension, i.e., her lungs aren't working right and making it hard to get oxygen to her other organs.

More miracles are needed at this point.

Her lungs seemed a little better today and she was a bit more alert... that was good.

Mom has beaten death before (in 1970, when she was 25, she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease... they told my Dad and Gram that she had 3 months to live... she came back to Rochester and got a new form of radiation they had just started doing at Strong Hospital... and 5 years later, was considered "cured") and I pray she has the strength to do it again.

I cannot think about what might happen though, good or bad. I have to focus on the fact that she's still alive (even if it is machines that are the reason for that) and that she is fighting with everything she's got.

Mom is slowly improving. Back from the brink, I pray. I think she's going to have an I-could-see-myself-on-the-hospital-bed-from-above-then-started-down-a-tunnel-with-a-bright-light-at-the-end-and-saw-your-Dad-and-he-told-me-to-go-back-because-it-wasnt-my-time story to tell. Like Nikki Sixx... but not from a self-induced dose of heroin.

Still not "out of the woods" as the Dr.s say, but also "nothing short of a miracle".

I'm afraid my level of relief is unchanged until she becomes coherent again... A blink on command will be as if she's won a gold medal. I will be overjoyed.