Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Not so Fast

Ok, the healing may have begun, but it's going SLOW. I just can't believe she's gone, it's a physical pain. I want to stop my brain from working... to stop thinking of regrets and the horror of what I saw in the hospital.

I regret that we didn't at least entertain her worry that she could die (even though the Doctors made it sound about as risky as getting tonsils out). I regret that we didn't spend every waking moment with her before she went in to surgery. I would love more than anything to have had words of comfort - from her - to replay over and over in my head... instead of those other thoughts. I regret not telling the Doctor to treat her as though she was VP Dick Cheney... or David Letterman.. or HIS OWN mother. Would it have made a difference? I tend to think so.

The book I'm reading, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" has alot of poems in it... and one struck me... it explains exactly how I feel...

I found
in you
a home.

Your departure
left me a
Shelterless Victim
of a
Major Disaster.

I called the
Red Cross,
but they
refused to
send over
a nurse.

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