Cheese Please

Have you seen the new Pizza Hut commercial? They have a new pizza, I forget what it's called, but they throw down a crust, slap some cheese on, then slap on another crust, then more cheese. Sheer brilliance! An innovative way to add more cheese to a pizza, because let's be honest here, the only reason we need the crust is to make the cheese easier to eat.

OK, my writing about cheese has lead to a food fantasy. I've just realized that we have some of that spicy cheese dip left, just crying out for a tostito to caress it, scoop it up, place it gently into Tina's mouth... Well, gotta go make my fantasies come true...

Mow

I gotta go home and mow the lawn. All I can think of is the episode of The Simpsons where Moe steals Homer's recipe for that flaming drink (made with cough syrup and Aerosmith plays at the bar and something falls on them or something - was it Homer?) and Homer walks around all depressed, saying "Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe, Moe" over and over again. That's me, all depressed, saying "mow, mow, mow, mow" over and over again.

The good news is - I no longer feel like barfing.

Hurlage

I'm gonna barf. I ate the worst combination of food today, I should be flogged. Especially the combination of circus peanuts, buttercream frosting, and rasberry punch. **Sick thought: I wonder if circus peanuts have inspired bulemia in anyone. Sorry for that, can't control these thoughts.

Quickie

Just wanted to get a quick blog in for today.

I've decided that Circus Peanuts are the most unnatural food on earth. Let me know if you feel otherwise.

Problems

I have a problem. I was recently prescribed antibiotics and I'm supposed to take one tablet, twice a day, on an empty stomache. That means two hours after eating and/or one hour before eating. You have no idea how big of a problem this is for me, because about the only time I've gone 2 hours without eating and can wait another hour is at 2 am while sound asleep.

I think I've only had an empty stomach a few times in life, once at Woodstock because a hot dog cost $95.

So it's already 5pm and I have yet to take my first one of the day. Let's see, at 8am it was breakfast, at 10 am it was rice krispee treats, at noon it was two big-ass slices of pizza. Ooops, just when I've almost made it for 2 hours without eating, I slip in another rice krispee treat. And now dinner's rapidly approaching...

I never thought taking antibiotics would be the catalyst for facing the reality of my obsession with food, but it is. I need help.

Daily Sin

Well, Joel yelled at me for editing my blogs too. Here's his EXACT NOTE:
---------------------
Hey -

You CANNOT edit blogs. Didn't you read 1984? No re-writing,
revising, sanitizing of history is permitted. You can comment later,
retract, apologize, atone, repent, but you can't undo.

"Yes, yes, yes, I know it was wrong. Can I have my virginity back now,
please?"

Besides, its alot more fun this way.
---------------------

So I won't edit my blogs, I'll just babble and babble and babble and you'll all be sorry.

PS - I read about a way to get your virginity back, but not here, not now....

OK, Jenny yelled at me for changing my blogs. I've undone the edits.

Overblogging

I think my blogs are getting too long. I think I'll edit them.

Food Fantasies

Joel insisted I rename my blog something to do with food because everything I write relates to food somehow. It's true, I am obsessed with food. It's not so much that the actual eating is out of control, it's more the thoughts of the food. The food fantasies, if you will.

I can't stop thinking about food. When do I get to eat again? What will I eat next? Is it lunchtime yet? Don't I have brie in the fridge at home? Ooooh, must drive home fast! What festivals are coming up so I can get Kettle Korn? Do I hear the Dinosaur BBQ calling my name? If I don't eat a marshmallow peep soon, I think I'll die. These types of thoughts are constantly floating around in my head at any given moment. Maybe that's why I like to sleep so much, it's the only time I can escape the food fantasies.

I really should weigh alot more than I do. Luckily, I manage to temper the internal monster and actually control my eating habits pretty well, maybe because I spend so much time thinking about it, I don't actually need to eat so much. But if people really knew what was going on in the head of this skinny* little girl, they'd be shocked.

To be honest, I'm a bit worried. A Krispy Kreme donut shop is opening here in Rochester in December. I keep hearing raves about how good Krispee Kremes are, the fantasies have started... Jenny and I are planning a party for the day they open. I fear that I will become weak and succomb... I can see myself now... A cold december day... "hmmm, I really should take 390 instead of 590 to work today, I think traffic will be better. Oh geez, look at that, I think I need some gas, I'll just get off at Jefferson Road and filler up. Ooohhhh, lookee here, I just happened to go to the Mobil right next to Krispy Kreme. I bet everyone at work would be thrilled to have me bring in some donuts. OK, I'll take 3 dozen." arriving at work... "Hey everyone, I brought in a dozen Krispee Kremes so if you want one, hurry up and grab one." My thighs are scared too. I equate my thighs to the big ball of evil in the movie "The 5th Element"... EVIL BEGETS EVIL. The Krispee Kremes attack! My thighs grow, threatening the safety of all around them! Be afraid. Be very afraid.

*I don't really consider myself skinny, but it sounded right for the story.

Rebellion

I'm still feeling rebellious today. It started last week when I ate toffee popcorn despite the fact that I had a fragile gob of stitches in my mouth (the stitch gob later succombed to the oral abuse). Today I decided not to go to a meeting that almost everyone was supposed to go to. Normally I'm the first to jump at corporate duty (related to the Psychology of the Candy perhaps?). Anyway, today I said "screw it, I honestly don't care so I'm not going to go up there, despite the very tempting offer of free lunch, and pretend to pay attention while fantasizing about Alexei Nemov.".

So there, nya nya nya.

I'm getting out of hand - scaring myself - I think I'm going to go home and eat a whole bottle of baby aspirin! Ha!

License to Eat

Apparently I picked up my license to eat early Friday. It started with Jo's rice krispee treats, I couldn't stop myself, and led to a sugar, fat, and calorie fest that lasted the entire weekend. Sunday ended up being one of those, "I've-eaten-so-badly-this-weekend-I-might-as-well-go-completely-nuts-
and-get-the-rest-of-the-cravings-out-of-my-system-then-start-eating-healthy-tomorrow" days. Unfortunately, I seem to have those kind of days a couple times a week =) My weekend food fest included such lovelies as cake (ok, actually just buttercream frosting. Sugar and lard, two things that go great together - right Jenny?), pizza, donuts and brie, just to name a few... Oh, and three giant French Vanilla Cappuccinos mmmmmmmmmm.... "My name is Tina and I'm a cappucinoaholic".

My license has been revoked - today it's back to fruit and fat-free hot dogs (yuck).

Pennies from Heaven

In catching up on all my friend's blogs, I was left rolling on the floor over Andy's story about the penny from his Friday blog. You all must read it and if you've ever wondered the same thing Andy had to wonder, I'd love to hear about it!!

The Psychology of Candy

Those of you who know me, know that I keep a drawer of candy for anyone who needs a shot of the sweet stuff. Yesterday, Shmuel (once and for all, pronounced shmool), asked me, "Tina, why do you always have candy for everyone?". I quickly answered, "oh, it's in my genes. My mom always has candy out for her coworkers and my Grandma thrives on supplying the family with all the tooth-rotting pound-packing goodies she can." But I've thought this through a little more, I think there's a deeper answer behind the psychology of the candy. It's not as sweet and happy as it appears to be.

The real reasons that I push food:
1) I want everyone to be happy. I don't like to see people sad or angry. I do many things other than push food to try to ensure everyone's happiness as best I can. It stems from goings-on in my childhood and just seems to get worse (or better, depending on your perspective). At some point in my life, I took it on as my responsibility to make everyone around me happy. I'm not sure I fully understand it, but I can't seem to stop.

2) I want everyone to like me, ok, maybe even adore me. I really cannot deal with the idea of someone not liking me, so I try to "buy" everyone's love and admiration with candy and desserts.

We all know that everyone LOVES candy, hell, probably even NEEDS candy to get through the day, so I recognized it as an easy way to make others happy and to like me. There, it's out in the open now, my therapist would be proud. The more praise I get, the more likely I am to repeat. I found my niche as a food pusher and it makes me feel special, dammit.

I'm just surprised more people haven't realized the psychology of the candy and used it to their advantage. A few positive comments here or there and they could be swimming in homemade chocolate chip cookies. But don't try it now, I'll know you read my blog...

Whew, it feels good to get it all out in the open. Now I need a nap. Then I have to make Dirt for Tony's party...

The Gob is Gone

Yep, woke up this morning with a strange tickle in my mouth. My immediate reaction was to tongue the area of my stitch gob and, lo and behold, it wasn't there. Just a couple strange little bumps. I thought, ewww, gross, did I swallow it... but no, it was stuck on my retainer. I removed it, it is gone. This disgusting story line ends here. R.I.P. little stitch gob.

Stitch Gob Update

Uh oh, I think I ruptured my stitch-gob. It started yesterday when I cracked into a bag of toffee popcorn. Can I just admit, right here and now, that no physical limitations will stop me from eating the food I really want to eat. I could have had all my teeth removed (scary thought) and still be able to throw down a bowl of Captain Crunch (I'd just let it sit in milk a really long time and get soggy - that's an easy one).

So anyway, there I was, knowing that I shouldn't eat toffee popcorn, knowing that it could easily rip out my stitches, and I didn't care, I had to have the toffee popcorn. That's me for ya... food fanatic... nothing stops me. More on that subject later... As for now, I'm walking around with a little piece of thread dangling inside my mouth and if I thought the tonguing was a problem before (see yesterday's blog), it's 10 times worse now. Not sure what to do and the dentist isn't in. I'll just keep fondling it with my tongue until it get's worse... And I'm stilll going to eat whatever I want - I'm such a rebel.

Bone-Tooth Removal

Ow, ow, ow, my stitch-gob hurts. I got my bone-tooth removed yesterday. It took about 5 minutes to get the novacaine shots, which hurt like HELL, and all of about 23 seconds to remove the bone-tooth. My tongue probing had lead me to believe it would be the size of El Capitan but it was, in reality, the size of an obese flea and was quickly whisked away by the thing that sucks up the spit you can no longer swallow on your own.

THANK GOD FOR NITROUS OXIDE!

Some unsolicited advice: next time you go to the dentist, request, demand, or BEG for the gas. It doesn't stop the pain, but it certainly makes you not care about the pain... You're too busy picturing yourself as Captain of the Enterprise and thinking, "this alien can torture me by poking sharp objects into the roof of my mouth all he wants but I will NEVER give away Earth's secrets!". It's also pretty cool to look at the light that 5 minutes ago looked like a simple attachment holding a swivelling lamp and see a sweet looking little robot-like character holding on to his headlamp creature friend for dear life. One of these days I'll post my drawing of Robobobbie, as I've affectionately named him.

I firmly believe that our office should be equiped with a Nitrous Oxide tank in order to facilitate the kind of creative thinking needed to invent really cool web applications. Wonder if I can get that through on an expense report...

Tongue Play

So back to the bone-tooth, I got it removed because I couldn't stop tonguing it. You know how that is, right? Any strange goings-on in your mouth and your tongue is all over it like it's a new puppy. You can't help yourself, it's almost a subconscious thing... until your boss walks by and asks if you're having a seizure and you realize your face is distorted by your tongue reaching and fondling some little piece of loose skin in your mouth. That's why I got the bone-tooth removed and just when I thought I'd have relief, I have this stitch-gob attracting my tongue like a 13 year old boy to Britney Spears. Do you think I'm burning calories with my tongue in constant motion? =)

Well, I have to go get residual bone left over in my gums after getting my last wisdom tooth removed last month. Does this mean that they will be removing the last bit of wisdom I still have? If so, I probably won't remember how to blog, so you may never see a new post.

I'll let you know tomorrow how bad it hurt.

Yep, my first blog. I feel like I should have had a romantic dinner first or something. I'm questioning my ability to offer witty and insightful blogs (ie, not bore the hell out of everyone). I guess it's time to put myself out there and find out if I'm as interesting as I think I should be... Maybe this will inspire me to do more wild and crazy things - just to get material for my blogs!