Tuesday, February 01, 2005


What a horrible week so far. Brother is not doing well at all. My back is about to give out. My hair, well, we won't even GO there...

The horrible thing about having a loved one who is destroying themselves is that you wonder why they don't love you enough to be able to stop. It's a silly thing to think because you know damn well they do love you and you know addiction is not rational, but you can't help but feel hurt.

I wish I had the money to hire a couple big guys to go and kidnap him and keep him in a bungalow at Chateau Marmont for a month and only allow room service and a Psychiatrist to visit. Alas, independently wealthy I am not, so I'll continue on the Prayer route (though since that didn't work for my Mom's situation, I'd also like to win the lottery and hire the thugs).


Catie said...

i'm so sorry the situation with your brother is so hard on you. i know there's no way for you to take it stride, it's just too bad that your back and hair(!) have to pay the price. i know it sounds sort of ridiculous, but remember to breathe. i think when we get overstressed we forget to breathe deep and we get all clenched up because of it. also, i'm praying for your brother and if i win the lottery i'll slip you some dough for the thugs. hey, how much do thugs cost?

Tina*:) said...

He's fighting demons and hurt and pain. Even if he faces them, stares them down, fighting them will always be a work in progress. There's little you can do, even with his cooperation. Meanwhile, all he's going to do is to push you away, but it's not you, no matter how much you want to blame yourself because you feel impotent and all your efforts waste into the wind. He's got to help himself. It's not your job to rescue him. That kind of thinking will eat you alive. Don't let it. It's not your fault. It never was, nor will it ever be, but love makes us feel crazy, do crazy things, think crazy things and meanwhile, we destroy ourselves. Step as far back as you can. Take it easy on yourself. Fix your hair and give attention to your back. Claim your life back. But keep calling, Tina, even if it's only to say you're thinking of him and that you love him. Tell him you're willing to help him find help when he's ready. It's as much for you as it is for him. And, meanwhile, you're in my thoughts.

I don't mean to speak out of turn, or offend, but I am worried for you. If I sound crazy, I'm sorry. Hire the thugs to break my fingers. That would be money well spent. But, I just want you to know that I'll just type comments using my toes.

Matthew said...

Hey... just wanted to let you know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts T. There are no good words for times like these. But just know that we're supporting you and thinking about you!... Matt

Anonymous said...

i will try to send good vibes/thoughts/prayers your way and your brother's. i hope things get better.

K-Roz said...

You don't know me, but I'm a reader of your blog and Jenny's. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your brother. I have tried to support my sister through her self destructive cycles over the years, and I think I understand some of what you are feeling. It's horrible and unfair, and the hurt you feel is exactly equal to the amount of love you feel for your sibling.

I hope your brother makes the choice to help himself and accept the help of others, but as the lovely pt has said it has to be his decision. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I hope it helps to know you've got some help with the prayer route...and that the prayers are just as much for you as for your brother.