Thursday, January 09, 2003

Had a bit of a setback today. Was doing somewhat better in the "grieving" realm, dealing better, crying less... then this...

My Stepdad sold the house and needs to be out by the end of the month. On Monday I was going through stuff from the upstairs bedrooms, finding mostly things from my teenage years... my signed Judas Priest mirror, my Def Leppard wall hanging... along with some very emotional treasures... a letter from my Mom sent to me at college, a card to me for my 19th birthday, "I can't believe my little girl is turning 19!" she wrote...

I'd only gotten through about a third of the room when I had to go, so I told him I'd come back today to finish. Well, he ended up throwing everything else out. EVERYTHING! GONE! Claims he thought I was done going through it, but I just think he willed himself to believe that because he is the most impatient man on the f**king planet. Mom died and he ran out and immediately bought a new truck, a new house... then a new woman - and, within a week of his "revelation" that he loved her, gave her a f**king ring and asked her to marry him! All within two months of Mom's death.

I'm sure he not only threw away more letters and cards I'd saved from Mom but probably also from my Dad (who died 11.5 years ago) too.

I think this is enough to bring on my anger phase. (*&(*#&($*&@^$*&@^*&$^*#^*&#^$*&^#

Then, on the way home, I'm flipping stations and hear pieces of songs that remind me of how I feel, remind me that she's gone, remind me of her eyes, remind me how much I love and miss her...

first it was, "Stay" by Jackson Browne...
oh won't you stay, just a little bit longer... please, please, say you will

then, it was "Aint too Proud to Beg" by The Temptations...
Please don’t leave me girl, don’t you go

then "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel...

then "Your Song" by Elton John...
So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see I've forgotten, if they're green or they're blue
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

... I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

then "Letters to You", by Finch...
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so
I want you to know that
I miss you, I miss you so

Music can be brutal. That's why I didn't listen to the radio for at least a month after she died.

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